
Class IB^iSt-Qii 
Book ? f[ \?( ^ C 5 
GoiPglitN^ l?^_Q_ 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



CIVILIAN CLOTHES 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By 

Thompson Buchanan 



Si 
7338 



CIVILIAN CLOTHES 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By 

Thompson Buchanan 



.o-J 



-^ 



©CI.3 54297 



APR 16 1820 



LIGHT PLOT— CIVILIAN CLOTHES 

ACT I 

2 — 2 light brackets, not practical, Colonial prism. 

1 — Clow in footlights for fireplace. 

2 — 1000 Watt spots, left, first entrance focussed on settee. 

1 — 1000 Watt spot through window, left, focussed on settee. 

2 — 1000 Watt bunches outside of window, left. 

2 — 1000 Watt bunches on backing outside of doors, center. 

Foots — Amber and white. 

First border — Amber. 

ACT II 

3' — 2 light Colonial prism brackets same as first Act, prac- 
tical. 

2—1000 Watt spots, left, first entrance flood stage. 

1 — 1000 Watt spot, right, first entrance flood stage. 

1 — 30 Amp. Rotary switch to control circuit of amber in 
foots and brackets. 

1 — 6 light strip amber in doorway, left. 

1 — Fire log and glow for fireplace. 

1 — 6 light strip amber in doorway, right. 

1 — Electrical center piece for dining table, practical. 

6 — 1000 Watt bunches blue in back of transparent conser- 
vatory. 
Foots — 1 circuit amber connected on switch on stage. 

ACT III 

Scene 1 — Hotel Parlor 

5 — 2 light brackets, practical. 

1 — 2 light table lamp on table, right. 

1 — 10 light bunch on backing outside arch, right, amber. 

1 — 1000 Watt bunch, left, on corridor drop, amber. 

Foots — Amber and white. 

First border — Amber. 

Scene 2 — Bedroom 
2 — 2 light brackets, practical. 

1 — 1 light table lamp, practical, plug independent. 
1 — 30 Amp. Rotary switch and control — 1 circuit of amber 

foots and brackets. 
1 — Telephone, not practical. 



1 — 6 light strip outside of door, R. C. 

1 — 1000 Watt spot, amber, fociissed where McGinnis stands 

by bed from left first entrance. 
1 — 1000 Watt spot, amber, focussed on bed from right first 
entrance. 
Spots come on and stay on when foots are switched on 

second time. 
Foots — 1 circuit, amber, connected ,to switch on stage. 



PROPERTY PLOT FOR ''CIVILIAN CLOTHES" 

ACT I 

The Lanham Library in Louisville, Kentucky 
Time: The Present 
Note — The furniture is a mixture of the old and the new, 
as though showing two elements in the house. Mahog- 
any two hundred years old is mixed here and there with 
smart modern furniture, making a combination that 
while rich and comfortable would cause a modern dec- 
orator to expire in a delirium of horror. But every- 
thing shows wealth and position and every piece taken 
individually is in good taste. 
] large rug or various small rugs on floor. 
1 library table up C. running L. and R. Books and papers 
on same. 

1 heavy upholstered davenport down stage in front of ta- 

ble facing audience. 

2 cushioned window seats in window L. 

2 pairs of curtains and draperies for windows L. 

1 arm chair up R. 

1 arm chair down L. 

1 small table down L. 

1 small straight chair below table. 

1 arm chair up L. 

1 handsome 2 or 3 wing screen up stage L. of double door 
C. Carpet on stairs off stage C. 
Rugs on floor below stairs. 
Bric-a-brac here and there. 

Pictures on walls {including one or two family portraits 
and some old-fashioned oil paintings of various sub- 
jects). 

1 tea wagon off stage R. with tea pot (filled with tea), 
cream, sugar, 4 cups, 4 saucers, 1 plate of wafers and 
a small decanter containing rum, which is used in the 
tea instead of cream. 



1 small silver pocket whiskey flask (filled) for Billy Ark- 

WRIGHT. 

3 small coins for "matching," for Rutherford, Ark- 

WRiGHT and the General. 
1 fireplace "rate down C. facing davenport. 
1 pair old-fashioned andirons for same. 

ACT II 

The Lanhnm Dining Room — an old-fashioned room with a 
conservator}/ opening off hack through three archways. 

Note — The whole effect of the room should be heavy, old 
fashioned and rich. 

ACT III 

Scene I 

One of the parlors in the Hotel Grunewald, New Orleans. 
Room is furnished with the typical hotel parlor furniture. 
1 ruof on floor. 
1 old-fashioned white marble mantel on L. (ornaments on 

same) . 
1 sofa above fireplace halfway facing it. 
1 table in C. or room. 
1 small taboret up R. above double door. 

1 potted palm or fern on same. 

2 small straight chairs ) - ■, , 

1 7. • > to dress stage. 

1 arm chair ) ^ 

Curtains drawn on windows at back. 

1 daily paper for Hart. 

1 College paper for Hart. 

2 cigars for Hart. 

Scene II 

Captain McGinnis' Room, in the Hotel Grunewald. A 
typical hotel room, in a first-class hotel. 

Curtains drawn on two windows R. 
1 bureau with mirror between windows R. 
1 double bed with head against back wall, foot extending 

toward foot lights. 
1 table below foot of bed. 

1 small bed table up R. C. between bed and door to hall. 
1 screen R. of bed. 

Several clothes hooks (showing) for practical use off 
stage door upper L. 
1 writing table L. 

Hotel writing materials on same. 
1 or 2 inexpensive but good prints on walls. 

Bedding, pillows, etc., on bed. 



1 combination China match bowl and ash tray on bureau. 
1 suit case placed on table C. marked so audience can see 
plainly "Capt. McGinnis, U. S. A." 
Also on table are : 
1 man's top coat. 
1 man's hat. 
1 suit of street clothes. 
1 soiled shirt. 
1 soiled collar. 
1 necktie. 

(The suit case marked F. L. ready off stage. 
Lady's comb and brushes in suitcase along with 
personal wardrobe.) 
1 small straight chair for writing table. 
1 small straight chair in upper L. corner. 
1 arm chair down R. 
1 rocking chair up L. 

Money for Florence to tip maid. 
1 practical key in door up R. C. 
1 telephone directory on table L. 



CAST 



(/w order of appearance) 



Billy Arkwright . 

Nora 

Gen. McInerny, U. S. A. 
Jack Rutherford . 
Florence Lanham . 
Mrs. Lanham 
Elizabeth .... 
-Sam McGinnis . 

Mrs. Margaret Smythe 

Bessie Henderson . 

Zack Hart .... 
Mr. Lanham 
McGinnis, Sr. 
Bell Hop 
Maid at Hotel 



Twenfif-fivc, late Lieutenant, A. 

E.F. 
Maid 
Fifty 

Late Lieutenant, N, A. 
Tiventy-one 
Fifty-five, her mother 
Twenty, her sister 
Twenty-seven, late Captain, A. 

E. F. {winner D. 8. C. medal) 
Twenty-nine, friend of the Lan- 

hans 
Twenty-two, friend of the Lan- 

hans 
Fifty -two 
Florence's father 



SCENES 



Act. L The Library in the Lanham Home, Louisville, 
Ky. Winter of 1919. 

Act. 1L Dining Room in the Lanham Home. A month 
later. 

Act. in. Scene 1. — Parlor Hotel Grunewald, New Or- 
leans. A week later. 

Scene 2. — Captain McGinnis' Room, Hotel 
Grunewald. 



ACT I 

Scene — The Lanham Library in Louisville, Ky. A hand- 
some old-fashioned house. The room looks out on the 
smart street of the town. Big windows on the left. En- 
trance from the broad hall through double doors center. 
Broad double doors on R. covered with curtains, lead 
into the dining room. Outside in the hall broad stairs 
ca7i be seen leading up to the rooms above. These must 
be practical as at times in the action they will be used. 
The furniture is a mixture of the old and the new, as 
though showing two elements in the house. Mahogany 
two hundreds years old is mixed here and there with 
smart modern furniture, making a combination that, 
while rich and comfortable, ivould cause a modern dec- 
orator to expire in a delirium of horror. But every- 
thing shows wealth and position and every piece taken 
individually is in good taste. A big board sofa is placed 
facing front, showing the fireplace is there. A hand- 
some screen U. 8. B. partly cuts off the room on that side. 
The deeply recessed windows afford cushioned seats. 

Time — A winter afternoon in 1919. 

Discovered — At the rise, Billy Arkwright is on the stage 
alone. He is seated on the divan facing front before 
the fire, imagined to be where the foot-lights are. About 
him is that "Do or die" air of the man who has come to 
make a proposal and is going through ivith it no matter 
what happens. He is obviously nervous. He crosses 
and recrosses his legs, moves about on the seat, rises, 
tvalks to and fro, obviously going over a speech and 
arguments in his mind. Reseats himself on the sofa, 
turns half sideways, goes through pantomime talking 
to imaginary girl. Talks to himself so that the audieyice 
must get it from, his lips, his expression, his pantomime, 
business with pillow, "Florence, I love you — I've loved 
you always, I want you to marry me." He pulls out 
his watch, looks at it again, frowns, as a man well satis- 
fied, anxious to have it over with. Goes over, rings bell 
on R., then returns to L. C 

Billy Arkwright is about twenty-six, tall, dark, slen- 
der, handsome. His face, his figure, his manner all show 
unmistakably the breeding that comes from several hun- 



dred years of gentlemen ancestors. He has both the 
good points and the had points of his class to a marked 
degree. Physically brave, honest, honorable, he yet lacks 
the moral fibre to make a real success of his life if he 
had to do so. He does not think very fast and he cannot 
think deeply, but he is courteous, he loves everybody and 
everybody loves him for his nature and weaknesses. 
His chief weakness is conviviality. He will drink with 
anybody and he can't stand much. 

Nora answers the bell, entering center. She is an 
Irish woman in her forties, with remains of unusual good 
looks and the air of the privileged servant who has been 
in the family at least twenty-five years and nursed the 
daughter of the house. She is thin, her face is sharp and 
her tongue can be sharper when she lets it be. Between 
Arkwright and Nora is the air of people who have 
known each other for years. Nora is dressed in a maid's 
costume. 

Billy 

{Elaborately consulting his watch.) 

Nora, does it always take young ladies just half an hour to 
dress ? 

Nora 
No, sir — sometimes it takes much longer. 

Billy 
Humph ! 

{Severely.) 
I've been waiting on Miss Florence Lanham exactly thirty- 
two minutes. 

Nora 
Well, Mr. Arkwright, to my certain knowledge we've all 
been waiting on you a couple of years. 

Billy 
{Severely.) 
Nora, you take base advantage of the fact that once you 
used to spank me. 

Nora 
And Miss Florence, too — I never knew which of you needed 
it the most. 
{Pause.) 

Billy 
Are you sure Miss Florence is at home? 

Nora 
Well, she always is to you, sir. 

Billy 
OH! 

Nora 



Besides, I think she was expecting you. 

Billy 
( Quickly — nervously. ) 
What makes you say that? 

Nora 
Well, sir, I've noticed ever since she got back from France, 
Miss Florence has been sort of — er — expecting something — 

BiLIiY 

Something — er — a — pleasant ? 

Nora 
Well, sir, sometimes it's pleasant and sometimes it ain't — 
but they all like to have it over with. 

Billy 
Oh! 

Nora 
I'll tell Miss Lanham you are waiting, sir. 
{Turns to exit center.) 

Billy 
(Xs to Nora.) 
Oh, Nora. 

{Going up — she pauses and half turns.) 
Will you fix it — so — er — we — sh — are not disturbed? 

Nora 
{Turns straight front, a grin comes to her face, she 
nods, he nods.) 
I understand, sir — ^^^ 

{Goes to door, half pauses, affectionately.) 
Good luck, Mr. Billy — now, get it over with. 

{She exits C. Billy draws the long breath of a man 
setting himself for an ordeal. There is a light noise 
outside the center door. Nerving himself Billy strides 
to the door, gulps a couple of times, prepares to begin 
with a rush.) 

Billy 
{As door slams, speaks icith rush, L. of door.) 
Florence, I've been waiting for — 

Gen. McInerny 
For me, Mr, Arkwright ? 

Billy 
{Aghast.) 
Huh ! Not b}^ a damned sight — 
{Turns D. C. in disgust.) 

(General McInerny is a West Pointer who has gone 
up fast on account of the War. lie is a man between 
forty-five and fifty, of average height or a trifle un- 
der, beginning to enlarge a little at the waist — a 
smooth faced, keen eyed man of the world. And like 

10 



most West Pointers he has a good idea of the main 
chance and the advantages of the right sort of mar- 
riage. ) 

{It is obvious that all the joy has gone out of life for 
Billy. He comes down, sits disgustedly L. end of 
sofa. The General looks at him keenly, moves down, 
takes another chair R. C, a long pause.) 
General 
Do you ever notice, Mr. Arkwrig-ht, the atmosphere of 
places? Now I'm peculiarly sensitive to it — 

Billy 
{Grumpy.) 
Really — never would have guessed it — 
{Pause.) 

General 
Take this Lanham house, for instance — there's an atmos- 
phere about this room that's unmistakable — an atmosphere 
— warmth of cordiality — why, I've never entered the house 
that I haven't felt perfectly at home. 
{Sits on chair R. of davenport.) 

Billy 
{Sits on sofa C.) 
I remember in France you used to tell us, General Mc- 
Inerny, it doesn't take a great deal to make on old soldier 
feel at home. 

General 
Precisely. 

{Pause — Billy glares at his watch.) 

BlIiLY 

Forty minutes ! 

General 
{Looks at his watch.) 
Just five o'clock. 

Billy 
{Innocently.) 
Time for retreat, General — 

General 
Generals don't stand retreat, Lieutenant — 

Billy 
{Indicating his clothes.) 
Neither do civilians. General. 
{Pa^tse.) 

General 
You 've known Miss Lanham a long time ? 

Billy 
When the first settlers built a fort on this river to keep 
away the Indians there was a family of Lanhams and a 

11 



family of Arkwrights — 

General 
Mayflower ? 

Billy 
No — Virginia. 

General 
Wonderful girl, Miss Lanham, energetic, efficient, prompt. 

Billy 
Yes, prompt — forty-two minutes. 
{Looks at watch.) 

General 
Never will forget the first time I met her — 

(Billy doesn't pay much attention though General 
talks on, pleased with his own ideas.) 
It was at the San Mihiel Show — 

Billy 
San Mihiel? 

General 
Yes, after you had been transferred to the Argonne, we 
were getting troops up into position before the show 
started. I had gone forward past the Brigade 0. P. It 
was black as your hat — had just gotten to one place where 
there was a shaded light when who should I find there but a 
girl handing out hot chocolate to the doughboys as they 
came by. It was Miss Lanham. 

BlLLY' 

Flo! 

General 

She was a Red Cross canteen girl but that wasn't exciting 
enough, I suppose, for there she v/as right up almost in 
the front-line with a Salvation Army get-up handing out 
chocolate to the boys. Hell, any man would fight Avhen they 
saw women like that, you know — 

Billy 
You did not let her stay, did you ? 

General 
Of course not— ordered her back in a hurry — 

{Pause — chuckles. ) 
Found out afterwards she didn 't go ! 

Billy 
Just like Flo — I never could make her do anything — 

General 
Wonderful girl. 

{Pause.) 
For some lucky man she '11 make a wonderful wife. 

Billy 
{Pause. Rises — looks at the General ivith sudden 

12 



alarm and suspicion — the General shifts uncomfort- 
ahly.) 
Now I know what you're here for — 

General 
{Stammering.) 
Nothing of the sort — 
{Stands up.) 

Billy 
Oh, yes, it is — all dressed up in your new uniform and all 
3'our decorations — you're here to-day to propose to her — 

General 
Kidiculous ! 

Billy 
{Moving L.) 
I agree with you — ? 

General 
{XstoL.) 
Well, really, Mr. Arkwright, since you take that tone I 
don't see what would be so ridiculous about a proposal by 
me. 

Billy 
{Turning to General.) 
Florence Lanham's not the girl to waste herself on an old 
man. 

General 
{Facing Billy front of sofa.) 
Waste herself ! Indeed ! While I do not think this sort 
of discussion is in the best taste still since you have forced 
it, I must say that I consider Miss Lanhara too intelligent a 
lady to throw herself away on a young whippersnapper — 

Billy 
{Going to C. in front of sofa.) 
Declare yourself — are you or aren't you? 

General 
Why I— 1 ! 

Billy 
Well, if you won't declare yourself I will — I came here to 
propose this afternoon. Now give me a chance. 

General 
{X to C. Pause.) 
Well, since you are so bold about the matter, Mr. Ark- 
wright, I'll be equally frank — that is what I came for this 
afternoon. 

{They look at each other. Pause.) 

Belly 
{Suggestively. Sits L. end of sofa.) 
I was here first. 

13 



General 
{Looks at Billy and sits.) 
I would suggest in view of — 

Billy 
Nothing doing — that "age before beauty" stuff don't go 
with me. 

(Both sit obstinately.) 
(General sits R. end of sofa.) 
(Long pause.) 

General 
See here, young man, doesn't it strike you we a.re acting 
like a couple of asses? 

(They turn and look at each other.) 
Billy 
Speak for yourself. General. 

General 
But if we both stay — 

Billy 
I'll match you — 
(Up.) 

General 
You're on — 
(Up.) 

(Swing around to R. and L. end of table. Each pro- 
duces a coin, stand at the table just back of the divan. 
As they put their coins down.) 
May the best man win ! 

Billy 
Hell, no — may I win ! 

General 
We'll see. 

John Rutherford 
{At the door.) 
Hello — everybody — 

General 
Damn ! 

(John Rutherford is tall, clean cut, good looking, 
good manners, good clothes, twenty-five, and thinks on 
Tuesdays sometimes. ) 

{Comes down — takes in picture. Back of table C.) 
Rutherford 
Matching ? May I get in ? 

Billy 
Don't know — 

(Looks at General.) 
Say, Eutherford, when was the last time you proposed to 
Flo? 

14 



Rutherford 
You 've got your nerve asking that ! 

Billy 
{To General.) 
Isn't he an ass? You know, every fellow in the town 
takes Flo like the measles — 

{To Rutherford.) 
When was it? Last week? 

(Rutherford hesitates — shakes his head.) 

Rutherford 
{Hesitates.) 
Well — well — I haven't seen her since yesterday. 

Billy 
You belong in — 

Rutherford 
{Putting down his money.) 
Let me get this — what are we matching for ? 

Billy 
Odd man wins — the other two get out and give him a 
chance — 

Rutherford 

They don 't quit for good ? 

Billy 
No, for this afternoon — 

Rutherford 
Oh, I can ask to-raorrow just as well. 

{Position — General R. of table, Rutherford hack of 
table, Bii;LY L. of table.) 

Billy 
Yes, it might be a good idea to give her a day's rest — ' 
Everybody down — 

{Nods — they put coins down.) 
Everybody up. 

{All lift hands.) 

Rutherford 
Heads — 

General 
Heads — 

Billy 
Heads — damn it. 

Florence Lanham 
{At the door.) 
I hope I didn 't keep anybody waiting. 

{All grab their coins and look innocent.) 

Billy 
{Looks at watch.) 
Fifty minutes late, and then comes a minute too soon — 

15 



(Florence Lanham is twenty-07ie, about five feet four 
inches with fair hair and blue eyes. One's first im- 
pression is ivhat an unusually beautiful person. To 
the ordinary observer this impression of beauty, of 
self-possession, of assurance, continues, but the discrim- 
inating man finds something disturbing. Proud, im- 
patient of restraint, impulsive, lovable, and withal pos- 
sessed of tremendous nervous energy, here is a crowded 
single-track mind which makes of her life a series of 
rear-end collisions. When the inevitable obstacle that 
should have been foreseen arises, she is apt to blame 
fate and override it rather than to blame herself and 
try to get around it. She has never had anything she 
did not want ferociously and never gotten anything 
she did not tire of immediately.) 

{Positioji, training, ivealih, have conspired to make her 
a snob, but she hates snobs when she knows them. 
Withal there is tremendous happiness in store for her 
and the right man who shall conquer her.) 

Flo 
{As the men leave the table.) 

This is jolly ! Awfully nice of you to drop in. 

(Gives right harid to General — left hand to Ruther- 
ford — nods to Billy.) 

Hello, Billy. 

(Billy takes his own left hand tviih his right, shakes 
it.) 

Billy 

dharmed, I'm sure — 

General 
{Very much the courtier.) 

You are always worth waiting for, Miss Lanham. 

Flo 

Thank you, General. 

{Sits on sofa L. Billy wheels the tea table in front 
of her.) 

Rutherford 

You certainly came just in time. 

Flo 

Why? 

Rutherford 

"Well, two of us were about to go. 
{Sits R. of Flo.) 

Flo 

Which two ? 

Billy 
{Promptly.) 

16 



JACK AND GEN. McINERNY. 

(The tivo show hostility.) 

Rutherford 
Me? 

GENERi\L 

Nothing of the sort. 

(Nora enters, places cake on tea table.) 
Flo 
I should say not ! 

(Nora appears rolling in tea table, from door Rl. 

Rolls it doivn beside divan in front of group. She 

tries to pantomime to BiijLY that it's not her fault and 

she is for him.) 
Right here, Nora. You needn't wait, Nora. 

(Nora exits unwillingly, leaving tea wagon, Xing to 

R. and exits.) 

(Flo looks from one to the other.) 
Nora is an old dear, you know, but she's spoiled utterly. 

{She sits L. end of sofa, begins to serve tea.) 
If I allowed her to stay she would at least be telling you. 
General, what she thinks of the Army, and putting Billy 
in his place. 

General 
I'd rather like to see some one put Mr. Arkwright in his 
place. 

(Stands.) 

Billy 

(L. of Flo standing.) 
Nora can. Remember the time, Flo, she caught me kissing 
you and spanked you for leading me into temptation. 

(All laugh.) 

Flo 
I remember nothing — 

(Flo hands cup, tea and cake to General who takes 

it to chair R.) 

General 
Rum — 

(Flo puts rum in tea and passes cup to General. 

Rutherford returns R., while Flo fixes cup for 

Rutherford. ) 
All of your servants down here old retainers? For in- 
stance, that very imposing butler I've seen — with the knee 
breeches and silk stockings. 

Flo 
Knee breeches ; that 's a fad of mother 's. No, indeed — but 
father discovered he was a slacker and discharged him on 
the spot. Now that the war is over, however, we are look- 

17 



ing forward to the joys of competent men-servants once 
more. As a matter of fact, I notified the Agency to send 
some to-day. 

RUTHERP'ORD 

Should be plenty of ex-soldiers — 

Billy 
Imagine — after charging machine guns to come back to 
passing the soup. I tell you, Flo, advertise — "Wanted one 
Butler, only D.S.C. men need apply." 

{Takes cup from Flo, sits L. on chair.) 
General 
And if the dinner is dull he can regale us with his ad- 
ventures. 

Flo 
{Mischievously. ) 
Oh, you think my dinners dull. General? 

General 
No — none of that — certainly not. 

Flo 

{Judicially.) 
The tone is doubtful. T see I'll have to convince you. 
We'll make it a week from to-night — 

Rutherford 
Make what ? 

Flo 
Dinner, of course — all of you — 

The Men 
Thanks, splendid — I'll come — I'll be here all night. 

{A long pause — the men settle hack determined to 
stay. ) 

Billy 
{Lvxnriously — leaning hack on chair L. of sofa.) 
I could sit here all night— 

{The General and Rutherford look at him.) 
— and then some. 

General 
{Rising and Xing to R. hands Rutherford cup.) 
Going my way, Mr. Rutherford. 

{Business handing cup and napkin to Rutherford.) 

Rutherford 
(Indignant.) 
Say, I'm no kitchen police. 
{Xs to sofa.) 
{Hesitates.) 
You going to stay, William ? 

Billy 
Till the last lone man retires — and don't call me William. 

18 



Rutherford 
{Turns to Flo.) 
Er — a — by the way, Flo — remember what we were dis- 
cussing yesterday. 

(Billy sits holt upright — the General turns sharply.) 

Flo 
(Startled.) 
Y— e— s! 

Rutherford 
{Leaning toward Flo.) 
Any chance of changing your mind? 

Flo 
{Shakes her head.) 
No — — 0. 

Billy 
{To Rutherford.) 
Good night! 

Flo 
{To General.) 
Generr,!, won't you have another cupT 

Billy 
(Rising.) 
No, they don't care for any — 

General 
Well. I'll be — allow me, please. 

(Flo hastens to him — they talk in pantomime.) 

Rutherford 
{Cheerfidly.) 
Well — see you to-morrow. 

(Starts as thour/h to exit — stops, turns to Billy who 
is grinning at Rutherford.) 
You needn't grin — fifty you don't put it over, either. 

Billy 
Go to the devil ! 

(General shakes hands — starts out with a hare nod to 
Billy — who grins at him fearfully. Flo comes down 
R. C. Billy down L. end of sofa.) 

Rutherford 
{At door.) 

{Taking General's arm as they go out.) 
Gen ! ! ! 

(Xs to General.) 
Gen ! ! ! Didn 't have any better luck than I did. 

General 
I'd like to have you in my outfit. 
{Exit.) 
(Flo turns to Billy, and they look at each other. It 

19 



conies over him that the time for proposing has ar- 
rived. She is cool — friendly — Bii-ly looks at her — is 
suddenly panic stricken. A long pause.) 

Flo 
{Both sit on sofa.) 

(R. of sofa. After appreciable pause — with rising in- 
flection.) 
"Well? 

Billy 
Er — a — quite well, thank you? 

{Another pause — after it has become pronounced.) 
Flo 
But— 

BlLI>Y 

Flo— 

{SimiUtaneously, turning to each other.) 

Billy 
{Both stop — he moves toward her on sofa.) 
I beg your pardon — you were saying — 

Flo 
{Severely.) 
There's something the matter with you, Billy. 
I'll get you some Scotch. 
{X's to R. Rises.) 

Billy 
No. 

{With determination.) 
I am going to do this on my own — 

Flo 
Do what? 

Billy 
What I'm— 
{Pauses.) 

Flo 
Poor Billy-boy — 
{XtoB.) 

{Reaches over in friendly fashion — puts her hand on 
his) 
Come, tell mother all about it — 
{Both sit.) 

Billy 
{Shaking her hand off — resenting her friendly su- 
perior air.) 
{Desperately.) 
Oh, Flo, can 't you help a fellow out ? 

Flo 
Certainly — Now what have you been doing? 

20 



Billy 
Aiid I thought it would be so — easy. 

Flo 
{Encouragingly. ) 
Anything is easy if you really set your mind to it — do like 
you used to do when you took medicine. Shut your eyes 
and go to it — Come now, tell mother all about it. 

(Billy desperately shuts his eyes — holding her hand 
in both of his.) 
(Flo, taking her hand away.) 
Billy. 

Billy 
No — I mean — will vou be my — 

Flo 
( Teasingly. ) 
My children 's mother, Billy ? 

Billy 
Don't be an idiot. 

Flo 
Billy, I believe 3'ou're in love. 

Billy 
"VVliat did you think I had — a pain in my tummy. 

(Pause.) 
Well, say something — 

Flo 
I don't know what to say — 

Billy 
Nonsense ! You were never in that fix in your life ! 

Flo 
(She is ohviously disturbed but plainly she is inter- 
ested, even believes herself in love, but something is 
holding her back, making her try to avoid Billy's pro- 
posal.) 
Do I — do I understand, Billy, you are trying to ask to be 
the father of those children about whom you 're so eloquent ? 

Billy 
(Takes her hand.) 
Flo, I want to marry you — 

Flo 
(Teasing to cover her own feelings.) 
Oh, I'm sure your intentions are honorable — 

Billy 
(Piteously.) 
Please, Flo, stop teasing me — 

Flo 
(With genuine regret and feeUtig.) 
Billy— 

21 



Billy 
{Taking her hand again.) 
Say ves, dear — 

Flo 
I — I wish I could, Biliy — 

Billy 
{In surprise, horror and misery.) 
Flo, you don't mean that — 

Flo 
I can't, Billy, I just can't — 

Billy 
Why? 

Flo 
Don 't ask me that — 

Billy 
{hi the violent eynotion of his love and the feeling of 
a man crossed the first rime in his life.) 
Don 't — Hell ! You think I 'm going to let you turn me 
down without finding out why! 

{His anger and force move her much more than his 
pleading, then feeling he hasn't been a gentleman he 
weakens.) 
Forgive me — I don't mean to talk that way, but — oh, Flo, 
can 't vou see this is everything to me ? 

Flo 
{With sympathy.) 
Billy! 

Billy 
Everything, Flo — -why, ever since we were kids I've never 
thought of any one but you. There hasn't been a time 
since I can remember that I haven't looked forward to that 
day when we would be married. 

Flo 

{Moved — speaking softly. ) 

Yes, — I used to think so too — 

Billy 
We both tliouglit so all our lives — why, we can't remember 
when we weren't sweethearts. 

Flo 
{Weakly.) 
Billy, don't— 

Billy 
Everybody that knows us expects us to be married — 

Flo 
I can't marry you now — I just can't. 

BiLIiY 

Why? 

22 



Flo 
There's a reason. 

BlI.LY 

Hanir the reason — is it because I've been n bit wild, p^lo? 
If it is I'll cut it out. Honestly I will— I'll be the pood 
little man who brings the steak home under his arm three 
hundred and sixty-five days in the year — 

' Flo 

{Amused and softly.) 
You clear boy — 

Billy 
I'll be your slave, Flo — I'll do anything — everything you 
want me to. 

{She looks at him, hut he does not realize that he is oii 

the wrong track.) 

Flo 
I don't want you to do anything, Billy — no man gets a 
woman by doing anything for her-- 

(Pause.) 

Billy 

{With sudden suspicion releases her hand and rises.) 
You didn't fall in love or make any promise to any man 
you met over there, did you ? 

Flo 
{Her armor penetrated — gasps guiltily, stalls.) 
What an absurd idea. 

Billy 
I should think so— you aren't the kind of girl to become 
interested in any man you didn't know all about — 

{When he is not looking she siveeps him with one 
glance that shoivs how little he really knows her ) 

Flo 
{Her words contradicting her looks.) 
Of course not — 

Billy 

After all, what could you know about a man you just met 
in Frrnce? 

Flo 
( Eagerly. ) 
Yes, they all look alike, don 't they— in uniform ? But can 
you imagine me becoming interested in any one not well 
born, Billy? 

Billy 

(Takinq her hand again.) 
Hardly! The Lanhams aren't that way — 

{Sits. Pause.) 
Oh, why can't you love me, Flo — give me some reason — at 

23 



least, I'm a gentleman — 

(Throughout the whole scene PYo must have shown 
that she has been powerfully moved — that she believes 
she loves him and several times she has wanted to go 
to him but has been held back by some strong reasan.) 

Flo 
(Obviously casting about for a reason.) 
I reckon that's is, Billy — you were always too much the 
gentleman. 

Billy 
(In amazement.) 
Too much the gentleman ? 

Flo 
Yes, — you've always been just that — my slave — you've 
never made me do anything — a woman has to be made to 
do things, Billy. Don't you understand? Oh, a lot of 
suffragettes can preach to the end of time, but that doesn't 
alter Nature, and when I hear one of them declaring, "No 
man ever made me do anything," I always feel like say- 
ing, ''Yes, but don't you wish he had." And face to face 
with her own soul, if she's a regular woman, every time 
she'll say, "Yes." 

Billy 
(The idea sinking in — in amazement.) 
Has anybody ever made you do anything, Flo? 

Flo 
(After a pause — softly.) 
Yes— 

Billy 
Who was he ? 

Flo 
That doesn't matter — now — 

Billy 
(Jealously.) 
What was it — where was it — 

Flo 
It was at San Mihiel — 

Billy 
(Exclaiming.) 
The General ! 

Flo 
(Impaiiently.) 
Oh, goodness, no, the General couldn't make anybody do 
anything ! 

Billy 
(Relieved.) 
Oh? 

24 



Flo 
It was the morning of the attack — I'd gotten up ne-ir the 
front and was putting out hot chocolate to the boys — the 
General ordered me back, but I slipped around out of his 
sight and kept on. The shells were coming over pretty 
fast when some of the Infantry marched past to take posi- 
tion. I offered a cup of chocolate to a Captain. He passed 
it on to one of his men, then asked me how the Divil I got 
there. I told him I walked and he said I better walk back 
again. I laughed at him. Next he ordered me back. I 
refused to go. Then he called me a damn plucky little 
fool, boxed my ears as though I'd been a naughty child, 
and sent me to the rear crying with rage, my head ringing 
and a soldier holding each elbow. 

Billy 
(Savagely.) 
He struck you ! 

Flo 
Hard ! I don 't believe he realized his strength — 

Billy 
The cowardly brute — who was he? 

Flo 
(Strong feeling shoiving through her words.) 
He was — a man — 

Billy 
And you said you weren't interested in anybody — what's 
his name ? 

Flo 
That doesn't matter— now. 

Billy 
Well, it does matter. I'll — 

Flo 
There's nothing you can do — now. 

Billy 
Why? 

Flo 
( Simply. ) 
He's dead. 

(Pause.) 
With a distinguished service cross — 

Billy 
For boxing your ears? 

Flo 
For extraordinary heroism in capturing a machine gun 
and killing five Germans single handed. You see he didn't 
limit himself to striking women — 

Billy 

25 



All the same he was a big rough-necked brute. 

Flo 

But don't you wish you'd done it? All of it, Billy — even 

boxing my ears? 

Billy 

There's been lots of times I wanted to — 

Flo 
(Turns to him.) 

I wish you had — Oh, Billy, why didn't you make me love 

you — why didn't you make me marry you before you went 

over there ? It would have saved me so much ! 

Billy 
{Takes her hand.) 

I — I wanted to, Flo — but I — I'm not making any grand- 
stand play, but — well — I thought I might get knocked off 

over there and it wouldn 't be fair to you — 

Flo 

As though a woman ever asked a man to be fair when she 

loved him ! 

Billy 
(Eagerly.) 

You did love me? 

Flo 

Yes, Billy, I thought I did— 

Billy 

Then I'll make certain of it — I'll make you love me if I 

have to beat you three times a day— 

(8he is closer to him than she has been yet, half 
amused, half wistful, wholly moved — puts her hand on 
his — softly. ) 

Flo 

Billy, I— 

(Feeling she is about to yield, Billy turns to her im- 
pulsively just as Mrs. Lanham enters, accompanied by 
Elizabeth Lanham.) 

(Mrs. Lanham is short, she is fat, she is handsome 
with the distinction and the manner that it is popu- 
larly supposed takes three generations to acquire. She 
has more than a fair appreciation of the honor it will be 
to any man to become her son-in-law and she is deter- 
mined to choose a son-in-law worthy of her. More- 
over she has never forgotten that she was once a great 
beauty and that she made a worthy marriage. She is 
about sixty years old. Ineligible young men have 
been knowii to call her ''the dragon," but she does 
not know many ineligible young men. She is abso- 
lutely without humor.) 

26 



(Elizabeth Lanham is what her mother was at 
twenty-jive and she will he her mother over again 
when she reaches that age.) 

{Both Mrs. Lanham ayid EtjIzabeth are dressed for 
the street and have evidently just come in. Both take 
in the situatio'it at a glance and their mutual delight 
shows that both completely misunderstand it.) 

Elizabeth 
(Gaily. Back of table.) 
What did I tell you, Mother — there they are — wooing and 
seallawagging — 

Billy 
(Rises. Jumps to his feet guiltily. Crosses to chair 
L.) 
Don't you believe it, Mrs. Lanham. I am wooing all right 
but Flo is doing the seallawagging — 
Mrs. Lanham 
(Completely mi sunder si anding — comes down to divan.) 
I'm sure it wasn't very serious seallawagging — and I know 
you've both made me very happy — Billy! 

(Kisses Flo — holds out left hand to Billy.) 

Flo 
(Gasps.) 
Mother ! 

(Billy's face groivs tragically blank, Flo sees the un- 
fortunate position he is in.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
Don't say a word, my mother caught your father and me 
the same way — we were married very shortly afterwards — 

Billy 
(Starts to speak.) 
But, Mrs. Lanham — 

(Flo X to B Quickly gives her a quick, thankful 
look, turns to L. Elizabeth gets to back of table C.) 
Mrs. Lanham 
Guess. It wasn't much of a guess. 

Flo 
No, it wasn't — 

Elizabeth 
Should say not ! Perfectlv obvious. 

(To Billy.) 
Wasn't it? 

Billy 



(Fhistered.) 
Yes — yes — s'pose so — 

(Grins from one to the other.) 
Elizabeth 

27 



Do I kiss Billy — under the circumstances? 

Billy 
Does she kiss me, Flo — under the circumstances f 

Flo 
I wouldn't have her miss it for the world — under the cir- 
cumstances f 

Elizabeth 
{Comes over — kisses BitjLY — sincerely.) 
I'm awfully glad — we've all been waiting on you and Sis 
such a long time ! 

Flo 
Elizabeth ! 

Billy 
Have you ? 

Flo 
It's time Billy was going — 
{Starts up C.) 

Elizabeth 
Billy, what makes you so flustered? And Sis — why both 
of you — 

{Looks from one to the other, puzzled.) 

Billy 
{Obviously greatly eniharrassed — he is eniharrassed 
for Flo — she for him.) 
I'm not flustered. 

Flo 
{With deadly calm, comes down.) 
Perhaps, Bess, you'd be flustered if — 
{Stops short.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
{Who hasn't paid much attention.) 
I think that's very sensible — a short engagement — 

Elizabeth 
And a pink wedding — when ? 

{Looks from one to the other.) 
Mrs. Lanham 
I think— 

Flo 
I know Billy must be going. Come, Billy ! 
{Starts up C.) 

Elizabeth 

{X to Flo to stop her.) 
No ! We'll settle this first— when ? 

Flo 
Never ! ! 

Elizabeth and Mrs. Lanham 
Never? Why?— 

28 



Flo 

Yes, never ! You two walked in here and just jumped at 
a conclusion you both desired — that's all. Billy and I are 
not engaged, and as far as I know, haven't the slightest in- 
tention of becoming engaged — 

Elizabeth 
Well! 

Mrs. Lanham 
But — but — I saw — 

{With slight suspicion.) 
You — vou mean you were just — 

Flo 
Scallawagging, Mother — scallawagging. 
(Sits.) 
(Mrs. Lanham is horror stricken.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
{With decision.) 
1 don't believe it — 

Billy 
You're right, Mrs. Lanham — I was proposing to Flo and — 

Elizabeth 
And he didn't get a chance to finish — 

{Goes into laughter.) 
Come, Mother. 

{Goes toward door.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
{Shocked to the hottom of her conventional soid.) 
Elizabeth ! 

{To others.) 
Awfully sorry — terribly stupid — but, well — come, Eliza- 
beth, I think we had better leave the children — alone. 
{Moves on to go.) 

(Flo signals to let them go — Billy won't.) 
Billy 
Wrong again, Mrs. Lanham — she refused me — 

Mrs. Lanham 
Re— wh— 

{Turns about and sits down R. C. Slowly with great 
dignity — flatly. ) 
Well, will somebody tell me the meaning of this? 

Flo 

I can't very well marry Billy, if I don't love him. Mother. 

Mrs. Lanham 

(To Flo.) 

Then what do you mean by waiting so long to break his 

heart? 

Elizabeth 

29 



{Coming doivn between chair L. C. and sofa.) 
Everybody is expecting it of you, Flo — at least you might 
be accommodating — 

Flo 
{Looks over her shoulder.) 
Well, Sis, why don't you marry him? 
Elizabeth 
{Startled, hut the idea is evidently not as distasteful 
as it might be.) 
Me! 

Billy 
{At same time — involuntary horror.) 

Good G 1 beg your pardon — 

Elizabeth 
{With ivonnded dignity.) 
CertiiJiii.v, I don't think L ciui add anything to the dis- 
cussion. 

{Exit — her feelings miffed.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
But, Florence, you must be married sometime — 

Flo 
Not necessarily — 
{Sits on sofa.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
{Horrified to the depths of her soul.) 
Good gracious — I never. 

{Stops aghast just as Mr. Lanham enters, center.) 

Mr. Lanham 
{Coming down L. of Mrs. Lanham.) 
Hello, Elizabeth said you needed me. Mother. 

(Mr. ARcniBALD Lanham is iall, slender, with white 
hair, and a keen patrician, smooth face, that shows in- 
telligence, humor, and a fundamental kindly outlook 
on life and its foMes. It is the view point of a man 
lookmg down on his fellow men. He Jtas inherited 
wealth and acquired more through the practice of his 
profession — laivyer. Therefore, to the pride of birth 
and wealth is added the pride of achievement. If any 
one told him he was <i snob he would unhesitatingly 
admit it and justify it.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
Needed you ! Father ! 

( Tragically. ) 
Archibald, your daughter is going to be an old maid — 

Mr. Lanham 
Why the emphasis — my daughter? 
iMrs. Lanham 

30 



{Sharply.) 
Because uo daughter of mine would be such a fool — 

Billy 
I think I'll say good-bye. 

Flo 
{Grabs his arm and pulls him down on sofa. In 
alarm.) 
Billy, don 't leave me with them — 

(Billy, ivith hope, instantly and obviously decides not 
to go — sits on divan beside her.) 
Mr. Lanham 
{To Mrs. Lanham.) 
Possibly, Elizabeth, if you leave this to me I can get to the 
bottom of it — 

Mrs. Lanham 
{With obvious unbelief.) 
Possibly — but I don 't think so — 
{Sits on chair R. C.) 

Flo 
There's nothing to get to the bottom of. Billy just asked 
me to — well, speaking accurately, to be the mother of his 
children — 

Billy 
{Opens his mouth to gasp.) 
Wh-a— 

Mrs. Lanham 
Well, of course, Billy, if you start your indelicacies be- 
fore marriage — 

Mr. Lanham 
There'll be nothing left to make marriage interesting — 

Billy 
( Rises. Indignantly. ) 
I did nothing of the kind — I didn't even tell her she had 
to have any ! 

(Flo pulls him doivn.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
{With sharp reproof.) 
Please refrain from discussing matters that are not neces- 
sary at present. 

Mr. Lanham 
{Judicially.) 
Good ! Obstacle No. 1 removed. 
{Pause.) 

Flo 
But, Dad, all this concerns Billy and me. 

Mr. Lanham 
Granted, my dear — granted — that's wh}'^ I'm asking — 

31 



Now, my dear Florence, have you any deep-rooted objec- 
tion to the married state? 

Flo 
How should I know — 

Mr. Lanham 
Precisely — that's the beauty of the system. 

Mrs, Lanham 
Archibald — I think you're a perfect idiot. 

{He turns to her.) 
Whoever heard of any woman objecting before marriage — 
and if she objects afterwards she '11 only be like every other 
woman. Thank goodness, my children are normal. 

Mr. Lanham 
Then, Florence, is it that vou know Billv too well? 

" Flo 
Can you know them too well ? 

Mr. Lanham 
Huh! 

{Coughs. Moves up.) 
We — a — sometimes I've thought so — 

Billy 
(Rises.) 
Now, Mr. Lanham — see here — I don't want to be passed on 
like a prize pig. 

Flo 
Billy Arkwright, nobody has pinned any blue ribbons on 
you. 

(Pulls him down again. Pause while all resume poise.) 
Mr. Lanham 
Is it because Billy has too much brains? 
(Billy brightens.) 

Flo 
(Doubtfully.) 
No — o — o, 

Mr. Lanham 
A man of unusual intelligence is frequently hard to live 
with — ask your mother — 

Mrs. Lanham 
(Innocently.) 
I suppose one would be — 

(Mr. Lanham looks at her quickly — she goes on, re- 
lieved.) 
Oh! but that won't worry Billy. 

BiijLY 
Indeed ! 

Mr. Lanham 
You know there are many advantages to this marriage. 

32 



Flo 
Yes. 

Mr. Lanham 
Your mother and myself and Billy's parents have looked 
forward to it — dreamed of it — 

Flo 
Yes, but I'd be marrying him — 

Billy 
{Jumping up.) 
I'm going — i 

Flo \ 

{Grabs his arm — pulls him down.) 
No, you're not going — 

{He subsides obediently.) 

Mr. Ijanham 
{With look at them that points his speech.) 
Daughter, believe me, you are making a grave mistake — 
with most couples it would require years for their relation- 
ship to become so perfectly adjusted — 

Flo 
I don't want to be so well adjusted — every woman likes 
to fight now and then — 

Mr. Lanham 
{With sigh.) 
Y-e-s, and even if they don't they develop wonderful powers 
of self-sacrifice. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Keep to the subject, Archibald — the Lanham and the Ark- 
wright places are side by side and for years I've dreamed 
how nice it would be when they were together — 

Flo 
Mother — you can't marry a man just because he lives next 
door to you — 

Mrs. Lanham 
Why not? It's a much better reason than most people 
have. 

Mr. L\nham 
{Turning L.) 
Have you ever considered this, Flo? We are the same kind 
of people — we Lanhams and the Arkwrights — We think 
alike — we've always been the best — we've always held our- 
selves the best. Now, here in Kentucky we breed for a 
pure strain in our horses and in the matter of marriage 
for ourselves and our children we should be just as careful. 

Flo 
But in all breeding isn't it a good idea now and then to 
cross the strain? 

33 



Mrs. Lanham 
Florence, don't be vulgar. 

Billy 

{Jumping up.) 
Oh, what's the use of continuing this? I'll tell you the 
real reason, Mr. Lanham. Flo did care for me but she 
went abroad and got biffed on a man in France. 

Mrs. Lanham 
I knew she shouldn 't have gone — I told you so, Archibald ! 
(Rises — moves up If,.) 
(Flo sits quite white and still.) 
Mr. Lanham 
(Soothing Mrs. Lanham.) 

(For first time, he is really downright serious.) 
(Turns to Flo.) 
Is this true, daughter ? 

Flo 
Yes, Father. 

Mr. Lanham 
(He is anxious, determined — she slender, calm, white 
hut unafraid — after a pause. ) 
He is a gentleman? 

Flo 
An officer — - 

Mr. Lanham 
I said "a gentleman." 

Flo 
(Indignantly. Rises.) 
Of course, he's a gentleman! 

Mr. Lanham 
Then why do you refuse his name ' 

Flo 
I told Billy. He's— 

(With slight catch.) 
dead — 

Mrs. Lanham 
Oh! 

(Sits chair R.) 

Mr. Lanham 
(Softly.) 
Oh! 

(Pause. Mrs. Lanham sighs with relief.) 
(After a pause.) 
If he were living you would marry him ? 

Flo 
Of course — 

Mr. Lanham 

34 



But he is dead. 

Flo 
(Softly — hardly breathing.) 
Yes— 

Mr. Lanham 
Then the greatest objection is removed — 
(XstoL.) 

Flo 
(At his tone goes to pieces.) 
Oh, it isn't that — I jnst don't love Billy — I don't. 
(Goes up stage to center.) 
(Stamps foot.) 
I don't— I don't— I don't! 

Mr. Lanham 
Allow me to congratulate you — ^she'll elope with you in a 
month — 

Flo 
(In rage.) 
What! 

(Comes down.) 
(Together.) 

Billy 
(In amazement and delight.) 
What ! ! ! 

Mr. Lanham 
Undoubtedly. My legal experience of thirty odd years has 
proven to me that whenever a witness, particularly a 
woman, is unusually vehement, she is invariably lying. 

Flo 
Oh! 

Mrs. Lanham 
Of course — every woman knows that — 
Elizabf.th 
(Entering, comes down R., leaves door open. Takes 
in picture.) 
Well — settled? Glad of it — Margaret Smythe just called 
me on the phone and I told her in confidence — 

Flo 
(Turning to R.) 
She's the worst gossip in town — Oh! I hate you — I hate 
you — I hate every one of you. 

(Turns, rushes from room and upstairs.) 

Mr. Lanham 
(Calmly.) 
You see — unusually vehement — 

Nora 
(Appears at door L.) 

35 



A man to see Miss Florence. 

{Involuntarily startled, all hold picture and look at 

&ne another.) 

Mr. Lanham 

{Turns to her.) 
What 's his name ? 



Didn't give any, sir. 
A gentleman ? 



Nora 

Mrs. Lanham 

Nora 



Oh, no, ma'am. 

{A general sigh of relief.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
{Rises.) 

{Before Nora can speak.) 
Oh, of course, it's the butler they've sent from the Agency. 
Florence telephoned them — I'll have her see him. 
(She and Elizabeth exit upstairs.) 

Billy 
{Crosses R. to Mr. Lanham C.) 
You really think, Mr. Lanham, that I — that Flo — 

Mr. Lanham 
The feminine psychology, my dear boy, is nothing to think 
about — it 's to pray over — 

Billy 
Yes, sir. Good afternoon. 

{Xs up R. end of sofa and exits.) 
Nora 
It's not the butler, sir. 

Mr. Lanham 
Not the butler ? 

Nora 
{R. C.) 
No, sir, I asked him — it's a man from France — says he has 
a message for Miss Florence from the dead — sir. 
Mr. Lanham 
{Rises.) 
What's that? 

Nora 

Well, that's what he said, sir. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Ridiculous! Why should the dead want to talk to Flo? 
She's not at home to the dead. 
{Exit.) 

Mr. Lanham 
Show him in here. 

35 



(Nora exits.) 

(McGixNis pauses at door. He is about thirty, big, 
broad, with the straight forward way of looking at 
one that compels attention. About him. is the quiet 
confidence of the trained, bayonet fighter and he car- 
ries the air of the man who has led men when they 
had to be led and driven them when they had to be 
driven, and always gotten results. His very straight- 
forwardness makes one overlook this shreivdness and 
the humor that lurks in his background. He is 
dressed, in a way to make a sensitive woman scream, a 
poor fitting ready-made suit of rather loud design, a 
loud tie, a very low turn down collar. Very yellow 
shoes of the kind that are sold as ''knobby" and are 
— a colored handkerchief shoivs in the outside upper 
left-hand pocket of the coat as well dresser at the Gas 
House Ball. The barber has fixed his hair as only a 
barber unhindered can do. Nevertheless the person- 
ality of the man is strong even with the handicap of 
his clothes to command respect.) 
Mr. Tjanham 

Come in ! Nora ! 
{Nods her out.) 

Nora 

Yes, sir. 

{Exits.) 

Mr. Lanham 
{Cross to same L.) 

I am Mr. Lanham. 

McGlNNIS 

My instructions were to give my message privately to Miss 
Florence Lanham. 

Mr. Lanham 
Your instructions from whom? 

McGlNNIS 

From the Captain, sir — 

Mr. Lanham 
Captain who? 

McGlNNIS 

My instructions, sir, were to say "From the Captain." 
Mr. Lanham 
{Xs to lower end of sofa.) 
The Captain is the officer about whose death she has heard. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir. 

Mr. Lanham 

{Xs to L.) 

37 



Before you deliver this message I have to say something — 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir, they all — 

Mr. Lanham 
My daughter is — er — romantic — 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir, they all are — 

Mr. Lanham 
But she is the kind of girl who recites Kipling in front of 
the fire — 

McGlNNIS 

I've heard her. 

Mr. Lanham 
Do you know Omar Khayyam? 

McGlNNIS 

Sure. 

Mr. Lanham 
She discovered him. 

McGlNNIS 

(Smiles.) 
Yes, sir, I heard the Captain tell her if she'd bring him a 
jug of wine she could cut out the "thou" — 

Mr. Lanham 
I shculd like to have known your Captain. 

(Faiise.) 
My daughter has a single track mind and — 

McGlNNIS 

I see. No management ! Rear end collisions — 

(Nods eagerly.) 

Mr. Lanham 

(Nods.) 
So under the circumstances, since he is dead I don't wish 
any collision, understand ? 

McGlNNIS 

(W'lth ohvious sincerity.) 
Yes, sir. The last thing that my Captain would want 
would he for Miss Florence to suffer one minute on his 
account. 

Mr. Lanham 
I'll send Miss Florence. 

[Xs up center. Starts to exit — pause.) 

[Xs around R. end of sofa and up R.) 
You seem to be the kind of man to be depended upon. 
Later — if you need a job, T think I could find something 
for you — 

McGlNNIS 

(With a meaning, Mr. Lanham doesn't catch.) 
38 



I '11 probably see you later — 

(Mr. Lanham exits vp stairs C.) 

{Left alone, McGinnis looks about the room, crosses 
to L., dusts shoes with handkerchief. Busy with 
handkerchief, as he Xs up to G. door and looks off, 
then takes pocket mirror and fixes his hair, then looks 
off door B. Returns to C. door, sees Flo coming down 
the stairs and takes strategic position behind curtains 
up L., just as Flo enters. She conies in C, looks 
around, sees no one — but he is in view of the audience 
all the ivhile. As she appears his face is transformed 
with longing and love for her. He slips into her view. 
In front of sofa C. Then she hears him, she turns, 
gives a wild gasp of amazement, joy, love — starts to- 
ward him, coming forward R. C.) 

Flo 
{She is going toward him eagerly.) 

Sam! 

McGinnis 
{His arms outstretched — from the bottom of his soul.) 

Flo— 

Flo 

Why— I— 

McGinnis 
{Front of sofa.) 

Sure it 's me ! 

(Flo stops as though struck with a club. For the 
first time she takes in his appearance. The light goes 
out of her face. Absorbed in his love and his joy at 
seei^ig her McGinnis does not notice. He steps over 
and enfolds her in his arms. She submits without re- 
turning his embrace. Her face is up to his — her eyes 
close defensively. The audience must see her hands 
held at her sides clenched as she submits to his embrace 
and kisses. Her action is beyond her control entirely 
— involuntary. At first he does not realize it in the 
slightest.) 

McGinnis 
{Holding her tight, kissing her.) 

You do fit there, don't you — just like you used to, Mrs. 

McGinnis. 

{Her hands at her side clench.) 

Flo 
(Faintly.) 

Mrs. McGinnis? 

McGinnis 

That's your name, isn't it, darlin' — Mrs. Sam McGinnis — 

39 



Flo 

(Faintly uncertain.) 
Y-e-s, I suppose so — 

McGlNNIS 

Suppose so? 

( Laughs. ) 
Well, there's no doubt in my mind. Why, the last thinj^ I 
thought when I jumped into that machine gun nest and 
went down was you and you know the first thing I said 
when I came to in the field hospital — I was lying on my 
back looking up at the clear sky, and I said — "Why, why, 
it's just the color of her eyes." And then I passed out 
again and didn't come to for weeks. 

(Fause.) 
Aren't you glad to see me ? 

Flo 

(Constrained.) 
Ye-es, of course. 

McGlNNIS 

(Lets go her hands, grabs her face and covers it with 

kisses. She merely suhmifs.) 
God ! It 's great to be alive and back with vour girl again ! 

Flo 
You were reported — I thought you were dead. 

McGlNNIS 

Well, you see in the mix-up one of the Fritzies made a 
poke with his bayonet and just ripped off my dog tag — it 
was weeks before I could tell 'em who I was. 

Flo 
Oh! 

McGlNNIS 

{Laughs.) 
1 told 'em a lot about you, though ! 

(Pulling her over in front of couch.) 
Why, for three solid weeks, delirious, I was talking about 
you — why, they never did call me in that hospital any- 
thing but Florence's husband — you're famous all over 
France. 

Flo 

(Sits end of sofa R. The strain in her voice.) 
You should have let me know — you should not have sur- 
prised me — you shouldn't have come. 

(With a look that takes in his appearance.) 
— this way — 

McGlNNIS 

(Her viewpoints striking him for the first time. Sits. 
Takes her hand.) 

40 



I'm sorry — honest — I never thought of it — that way. You 
see, I tried to establish communication with Miss Florence 
Lanham of the Red Cross because I didn't want them to 
send you back for marrying over there— and I found out 
you'd already come back — and then I didn't cable because 
I thought how much fun it Avould be to surprise you and 
I waited to get well and strong because I didn't want my 
wife's first job to be nursing a half man — 

Flo 
You are all right again? 

McGlNNIS 

(Pats her hand.) 
Sure ! ! Didn 't I hold you like I had my strength ? 

(Pause.) 

Flo 
Nobod}' here knows I'm married — 

McGlNNIS 

Then you kept our agreement. 

(Takes sofa pilloiv and sits on it.) 

(She nods, a long pause.) 
Remember that night, sweetheart, when we marched back 
from the front to the little village in Repos — I was dirty 
and tired and ragged and unshaved — didn't look much as 
I look now, did I ? 

(Gets out cigar and lights it.) 
Flo 

(With the bitterness she can't keep out of her tone.) 
No, you didn 't. 

(Pause.) 
You were glorious then in your Captain's uniform, with 
your Croix de (ruerre and double citation and everybody 
crazy about you and the things you had done — you were 
glorious — then — 

(He pays no attention.) 

McGlNNIS 

You were standing in the door of that little hotel. I 
turned the corner dead to the world, and then I saw you 
and you looked at me — just looked at me — and I was walk- 
JTig on air — Mo, do you remember? 

Flo 
Yes — I remember — 

(She is looking straight forvjard and it begins to come 
back to her.) 

McGlNNIS 

And we went out in the moonlight and I started to tell 
you how ashamed I was for boxing your ears, and you 
made me show you those foolish medals, and then J. can't 

41 



tell how or what happened, but the first thing I knew I 
was holding you tight and telling you — telling you things 
I didn't know it was in me to say, and you was just look- 
ing, with your eyes like great big stars, do you remember? 

Flo 
Yes— 

{With intensity.) 
Yes, I remember that night — 

McGlNNIS 

And wOien we came back to camp and I told the dominie 
what we wanted him to do, didn't he rave? It was against 
orders — it would cost him his job and break me and send 
you back to the States — my, but the old fellow was hard 
nosed. Then what you said to him, I '11 never forget it ! 

{Almost solemnly.) 
"He's my man and I'm going to him, so you'd better marry 
us, hadn't you?" You remember? 

{Holding her right hand with his right.) 
Flo 

{Drawing a long breath.) 
Yes— 

McGlNNIS 

And our week in that little villaee — our honeymoon. One 
week of perfect joy with the old guns booming up there 
ahead and men dying and us living as we'll never live 
again. Do you remember, Flo? 

{She nods slowly.) 
And the last morning — when I left for the Argonne — you 
were standing in the same doorway where I saw you the 
evening I came in, and I marched past at the head of the 
oM F Company, and you stood there looking at me with 
your eyes big and your face dead white, but trying your 
damnedest to smile — God bless you ! 

{Patting her hand.) 
— And I turned the corner afraid to look back— 

Flo 

{From the bottom of her heart.) 
Oh, if we could only have that time again. 

McGlNNIS 

That time? What's the matter with this? 

{Slaps her on the back.) 

(FiiO rises suddenly.) 

{She looks at him — droops — pause.) 
All right to smoke in here? 

Flo 
Yes. 

{She nods.) 

42 



McClNMS 

(Bloirs out smoke, crosses his legs, leans back com- 
fortably in one corner of the divan. She, every sensi- 
tive feeling in her outraged by his commonness, the 
■way he smokes — the uay he leans back and crosses his 
legs and his general attitude.) 

(He pokes his finger in his right ear. She looks at 
him, rises quickly, almost involuntarily — he does not 
rise. Xs to R. of sofa.) 

What's wrong? 

Flo 

Notliing. Nothing that you'd understand. 

McGtnnis 
{Good humoredly.) 

All right — 

{She moves U. S. Slightly turns, looking at him-^he 
cannot see her. On her face is all the hopelessness, 
the tragedy of her dead romance, the realization that 
from her civilian point of view she is married to a 
crude, provincial, good-hearted rough-neck, miles be- 
neath her socially.) 

McGlNNIS 

Isn't it great to think we can pick up our lives and carry- 
on just where we left off? 

Flo 
Can anybody do that? 

{Doivn stage R. end of sofa.) 

McGlNNIS 

Why not? We've only had one week and we've got forty 
years ahead of us — 

Flo 

{Down stage.) 

{She looks at him — shudders.) 
Forty 3'ears ! 

McGlNNIS 

Oh, by the way — here's something you — you might like — 
{Reaches hand in his pocket — pidls out the Distin- 
g%dshed Service Cross — tosses it to her.) 

Flo 
{Catching it.) 

What is it ? 

McGlNNIS 

Distinguished Service Cross — gave it to me for the Ar- 
gonne show — 

Flo 

{Sits on sofa.) 

{With fierce eagerness trying to reconstruct her hero.) 

43 



Tell me all about it — how you got it — everything — 

{Almost pathetically.) 
Make it heroic ! 

McGlNNIS 

Just like a woman. 

(Shakes his head.) 

Flo 
What did you get it for? 

McGtnnis 
Self-defense. 

Flo 
(Sharply.) 
Don't be absurd! 

(Almost pathetically.) 
Tell me everything — Oh, if you could only understand how 
much I want to make you my hero again. 

(Stops — ivith look of involuntary distaste.) 

McGlNNIS 

Well, I told you— self-defense — you see some of those 
Fritzies were going to kill me and I killed them first — 
that's all. 

Flo 
That was splendid, of course. 

(Hands it hack — Rises and X R.) 
And I'm awfully proud that you got it. 

McGlNNIS 

(A pause — he looks about the room with admiration.) 
You know it's funny to think of your being rich — You 
never told me anything about your people and over there 
I thought you were just a poor nobody like myself. If I 
had realized all this — 
(Indicates room.) 
I don't think I'd have had the nerve. 

(When he begins to realize her snobbishness McGinnis 
begins to "pile it on'' and broaden his effects to be a 
little coarser than he really is. At the same time by 
his acting, over elaboration and side looks at her when 
she is doing this for effect and really having a little 
fun with her, at the time not realizing fully how deep 
her feeling is. ) 

Flo 
(With unconscious snobbishness — turning to Mc- 
Ginnis.) 
The Lanhams have always been what you call "rich" — 
and the best people — 

(Proiidly.) 
My father is the best lawyer in this State — 

44 



McGlNNIS 

(Smiling at her pride.) 
Well — my father is the best shoemaker in Racine — 

Flo 

( With distaste. ) 
A shoe manufacturer? 

McGlNNIS 

{Rubbing it in.) 
Yes — makes 'em all himself by hand and nobody turns out 
better ones. Look ! 

(Holds up feet.) 

Flo 

(In absolute despair.) 
A cobbler? 

McGlNNIS 

We'll visit him when we leave here — 

Flo 
Oh! _ 

(She looks about wildly.) 

McGlNNIS 

He'll be proud of you — he has a cottage, six rooms, right 
next to his shop — we can rent from him — 

(Flo completely overwrought, sinks on chair li. of 

sofa and bursts into a choking sob.) 

(McGlNNIS Xs to her. Instantly, when she breaks, his 

attitude changes. He cannot altogether understand 

ivhy she is so serious, but he is remorsefidly tender. 

Puts his arm about her.) 

(Flo shrinks from him.) 

McGlNNIS 

(Rises — to R. of her.) 
I didn't mean to hurt you — Avhy, I wouldn't hurt you for 
the world — 

Flo 
I know you wouldn't — knowingly. 

McGlNNIS 

I was just — 

(Starts to say ''teasing" she cuts in.) 
Flo 

(Cutting in.) 
Oh, Sam, those clothes — that tie— those shoes. 

(Points to them.) 

McGlNNIS 

(In amazement.) 
You ain't crying over the shoes — these clothes — 

(Spreading himself like a peacock.) 
Pretty nifty, I thought — 

45 



Flo 

(Sniffily.) 
"Nifty" — yes, I suppose so, pretty "nifty" — and we are 
going to visit your father, the best cobbler in Racine — and 
he'll think they're pretty "nifty" too — Florence Lanham's 
father-in-law, the best cobbler in Racine — 

(Laughs hysterically high. He Xs to R. of her.) 

McGlNNIS 

(A flash of anger shows on his face — the7i he restrains 
himself — looks at her with a smile.) 
Flo 
You're his son. 

McGlNNIS 

(With sincere pride and straightforwardness.) 
Yes, and I happen to be proud of my father — 

(Leaning toward her.) 

Flo 

(Rises.) 
I'm sorry — 

(Pause.) 
Sam, will you do something for me — just because I want 
you to? 

(Rises.) 

McGlNNIS 

Of course — 

Flo 
Will you — will yon go back in the army again? 
(He looks mutinous.) 

McGlNNIS 

(Pause — shakes his head.) 
I can't do it — Flo — 

Flo 

(Pleading.) 
But you were a brilli-^nt officer with a great record — the 
Croix de Guerre, citations — the Distinguished Service 
Cross — why, you'd go up fast — you'd be some one I could 
be proud of — you'd be as good as anybody. 

McGlNNIS 

(Trying to change her mood.) 
I never saw an Irishman that wasn't better than anybody — 

Flo 

(Pleading. Moves toirard McGinnis.) 
Won't you — for my sake — it's our chance of happiness. 
Sam — 

McGlNNIS 

(Sincerely.) 
I can 't be a quitter, even for you, Flo ! 

46 



Flo 
Quitter ! 

McGinn IS 
I was a Civilian Soldier and did my bit and now my duty 
is again as a Civilian. I'm going to become somebody — 
I'm going to take you away from all this foolishness. 
I'm going to take you to — 

Flo 
Racine ? 

McGlNNIS 

If vou 're my wife vou '11 go with me to Hell ! 

Flo 

{Turning away — facing audience.) 
I'd rather go there than to Racine. 

{Cross R.) 

McGlNNIS 

{Cross to her.) 
{Speaks quietly.) 
Did anybod.y ever tell you that you were a snob? 

Flo 

{Looks at him — quickly justifying herself.) 
I'm not a snob — I can't explain it — but it's something — 
the clothes — it's what they stand for — although when I 
first came in and saw the clothes, before I saw your face, 
I thought you were one of the applicants who had come for 
the butler's place, but it's .you, Sam, it's the way you 
look and r.ct— 

(Flo Xs and stops heloiv sofa.) 
— something that makes me want to get away when you 
touch me, Sam. 

McGlNNIS 

And you're my wife! 

{Bows head.) 

Flo 

{Ashamed of herself hut determined.) 
I hate myself for it, Sam- -but I can't help it. It's been 
growing since the moment I saw you. Over there we were 
all trying to do one thing and the bigness of whnt we 
were trying to dp blotted out all differences and made us 
one, but over here it 's not that way — we belong to different 
classes. Sam — 

{Realising her tragedy.) 
— and I'm afraid they don't mate — 

McGlNNIS 

{Looking put front — pause — humorously.) 
And when I got myself shot to pieces and gassed I thought 
I was helping to make the world safe for democrac3^ 

47 



Flo 
{Horrified at an attack of a fetish.) 
Sam ! 

McGlNNIS 

(Throwing cigar in fire. Crosses to her, she turns R.) 
Yes, Mrs. McGinnis, you're a damned sight worse snob 
than I took you for. 

(Flo turns to him.) 
— of eoirrf:^, I'm ooramon and vulgar and got no manners — 
I know it — you've been doing nothing all your life but 
learning manners. My manners I got from the streets 
and my education from night school, but I've made a civil 
engineer of myself and I'm going up. Manners and sen- 
sations — that's what you and your kind live on — that's 
what you went to France for — just to get a new sensation 
— and you met me. All right, you're my wife, and now 
I am going to give you another sensation — 

(Flo turns to him.) 
You and I ar?^ — 

Flo 
I can't go through with it, Sara — I just can't. 

McGinnis 
You know I worship you, Flo — and you are making me 
wish I hadn't come hack from France. 

(Sincerely.) 

Flo 
Don 't. 

{Pause — turning to him, puts her hands on his arms.) 
Don't 5^ou realize it's hard for me^ too, Sam? Do you 
think it's easy for a girl to have all her dreams — shattered? 
You want me to be honest, don't you? You wouldn't want 
me to go through with it looking down on you and learn- 
ing to hate you? 

(Pause while he tries to get her point of view.) 
McGinnis 
Looking down on me? You mean because ray father is a 
cobbler. 

(Flo sits. Pause. Sits on sofa C.) 

(McGinnis crosses up C. and down.) 
Abe Liiicoln was a rail-splitter but I wouldn't be sur- 
prised if some of the haughty beauties who turned him 
down afterwards regretted it. 

(With lame attempt at hunt or to hide his heart break.) 
Of course, if dad were a bad cobbler, I would understand 
it — but — 

(Turning again to her.) 
I'm a civil engineer mj^self — yes. dad made the money, with 

48 



him own hrinds — that's why I'm proud of him. 
(Facing front.) 

Flo 
Please ! 

(Pause.) 
I didn't say it was that — 

McGiNNis 
(Turning front.) 
You're no "Fly-up the-creek" so I won't insult you by 
asking you if you love another man. 

Flo 
It — it — isn't that. 

McGlNNIS 

(Pause — turning again to her.) 
You mean you just don't love me any more? 

Flo 
Sam — it 's — 

McGlNNIS 

That my clothes and my manners have killed it — 

Flo 
Forgive me — 

McGlNNIS 

Nothing to forgive — feelings are feelings and have rules of 
their own — only — clothes and manners — 

(Pause — shakes his head.) 
I thought a woman loved a man because he loved her, be- 
cause he was a resrvilar fellow and would take care of her 
and be kind and decent and thoughtful — I guess that only 
shows how little I knew of women — but clothes and man- 
ners — that seems a little thing to quit loving a man for. 

(X to her.) 
You know, I believe I 'd keep on loving you if you — chewed 
tobacco — ":f^^ 

Flo 

(Horrified, turns to him.) 
Chewed tobacco — 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, I'd just begin chewing too, so I wouldn't notice it. 
(Xs R. hack of table down to the front of sofa. She 
stands at left end of it, he is R. of her.) 

Flo 
(Rising.) 

That's it — I'm afraid I'll begin chewing tobacco too. 

McGlNNIS 

(Pause — his face suddenly lights.) 
(Goes right after her.) 
Yes, Mrs. McGinnis, you are a snob, in fact you're about 

49 



the funniest, dearest little snob in the world, but I'm 
damned if I'll admit you don't love me — I'm damned if 
I'll admit you're that little, and I'm damned if I'll let 
you admit it either — I 've an idea. 

Flo 
{Cross to him.) 
What are you going to do ? 

McGlNNIS 

Do ? You 're a snob — I '11 be a snob too ! 

Flo 
WHAT ! 

McGlNNIS 

No — I'll have manners and while I'm learning I'll edu- 
cate you too. I'm going to give you a little lesson in 
democracy — 

Flo 
You mean you are going to learn manners from me ? 

McGlNNIS 

Good Lord, NO! I'll learn 'em from only people who 
have 'em, the servants. 

Flo 
The servants ? I don 't understand — 

McGlNNIS 

Perfectly simple — I'm going to take that job in this house 
as butler that seems to be vacant. 

Flo 
Preposterous ! You shan 't. 

McGlNNIS 

Who is going to stop me? Your father promised me a 
job— 

(She is too horror-stricken to speak.) 
Yes; I'll learn manners and even if you don't learn de- 
mocracy, a butler husband ought to be a pretty good cure 
for snobbishness. 

Flo 

(Following him, grabs Sam's arm.) 
Sam, you're mad. You can't do a thing like that! You 
can't and you're not going to — they won't employ you — I 
won't permit it — 

McGlNNIS 

(Turning on her.) 
If you don't want the full story of this marriage to come 
out — if you don't want your divorce fought to a finish in 
the open and you know I'll fight to a finish — you'll per- 
mit it — where do you think your proud Lanham name 
would be — do you think there would be such sympathy 
for a wife who deserted her husband after he was wounded 



and had won two decorations? 

Flo 
That's cowardly. 

McGlNNIS 

Of course, it's cowardly, but I'm fighting for my happi- 
ness — I'm fighting for your happiness — I'm fighting to 
open your eyes — to change you from a poor little snob 
into the real woman you have it in you to become, and 
I'll do anything to win because the stake is too big to lose. 

{The full force of his determination overcomes her. 

She realizes he is going through ivith it and the horror 

of a public exposure seizes her.) 
Flo 

(Turns to him.) 
You'd make it public? 

McGlNNIS 

{Realizing he has icon.) 
On the front page of every newspaper. 

' Flo 

{Xs to him C.) 
Sam, I'll stick — no matter what I think, I'll stick — let's 
go away together — I'll go with you anywhere — I'll go to 
Racine — 

McGlNNIS 

No. 

{Shakes his head.) 

Flo 
Please take me to Racine — I promise — honestly I won 't — 

McGlNNIS 

Look down on my father? Oh, that's not what I'm afraid 
of— 

( Confidently. ) 
I'm afraid he'll look down on you — 

Flo 
What! 

McGlNNIS 

{Apologetically . ) 
He's very old fashioned, you know — ^he wears horn rim 
spectacles and chews tobacco — I can just see him sitting on 
his bench working over a shoe — chewing tobacco and look- 
ing over his specs at you — 

(Xs and sits on left end of sofa — takes hook end from 

table — acts out picture.) 
"Yes, Sam, she's a good-looker, all right, and she sure is 
high falutin' — can she cook? No, Dad. Make clothes? 
No, Dad. Keep house? No, Dad. Take care of the baby? 
No, Dad. What are you going to do with her. Son? Put 

51 



her in the movies ? ' ' 

(Rises — Xs to her.) 
Then how would I feel ? No, I won 't take my wife to my 
father's house that I'd be ashamed of. I m a snob and 
I couldn 't stand for my wife being looked down on by the 
best cobbler in Racine. 

{Xs down C.) 

Flo 
You 'd be ashamed of me ? 

McGlNNlS 

{Xs hack to her.) 
Now, don't hit the ceiliujo', and above all, don't get dis- 
couraged. After I've educated you, you'll be all right — 
Why, I'll make you so I can take you into the poorest 
house in this land and not be ashamed of you — 

(She collapses — beaten.) 

Flo 
{Sits chair R. of sofa.) 
Oh! 

{Feeling he has beaten her, MoGtnnis's attitude 
changes. He becomes tender, sympathetic, his love 
shoiving forth.) 

McGlNNIS 

{To B. of her chair. Tenderly.) 
I wouldn't be so hard, darling — but I have to. You don't 
know how much I love you. 

Flo 
It's a queer way of showing it — 

McGlNNIS 

If I don't make good I won't hold you, I promise. 

Flo 
( Straightening — anxiously. ) 
You mean if you can't learn — if you stay as you are — 

McGlNNIS 

You'll be free — no one knows of our marriage — no one 
need know — I'll go away quietly — after a time I'll get a 
divorce or you can get a divorce in some other state. It 
can all be hushed up and none of your friends need ever 
know — of your disgrace — 

Flo 
Your word of honor? 

McGlNNIS 

Yes — if you play the game fairly — give me a chance — 
Is it a go ? 

{Enter Mr. Lanham R. — Flo X to L.) 

{Holds out his hand.) 

(She nods as Mr. Lanham enters.) 

52 



(McGiNNis tur)is to Mr. Lanham.) 

(Moving towards Mr. Lanham.) 
You said something about a job, sir'/ 

Mr. Lanham 
Yes. 

McGlNNIS 

I was speaking to Miss Lanham — I'd like to try that job 
as butler — 

Mr. Lanham 
Butler? You? 

(Laughs.) 

(Mrs. Lanham and Elizabeth enter, come down L. 

Mrs. Lanham left of sofa, Elizabeth L. of chair on 

R.) 

Mr. Lanham 
Betty, what do you think of this man for butler? 

(Elizabeth laughs.) 

Mrs. Lanham 

(Sits on sofa L.) 
That man? Archibald, don't be ridiculous — 

McGlNNIS 

Wliy don't you give me a chance — ma'am? I'll make 
good, I"m strong enough for the job. 
Mrs. Lanham 
Being a butler is hardly a question of strength. What's 
your experience? 

McGlNNIS 

I was mess sergeant of the Company once. They busted 
me for busting a fresh cook but I was mess sergeant once, 
and I 've been K. P. lots of times. 

Mrs. Lanham 
I don't see, Archibald, what put such a ridiculous idea in. 
your head. 

Mr. Lanham 
Why won't he make a butler? His manners are almost 
bad enough to be a gentleman — don't you think so, Flo? 

Flo 
I think— 

McGlNNIS 

I've been gassed, sir — I ain't fit for heavy work — 

Mr. Lanham 
That decides it. I'm not going to turn down a soldier. 

(Xs to Mrs. Lanham — sits on sofa.) 
Besides, Zack Hart is coming down from New York in 
about a month in connection with the biggest deal we've 
ever had — and you know how you'd feel entertaining him 
without ;) butler — 

53 



Mrs. Lanham 
I know how I'd feel entertaining him with this kind of a 
butler. 

Mr. Lanham 
Nonsense, teach him. Flo. you'll teach him, won't you? 
(X.s to Flo.) 

Flo 
All right, Father. 

Mrs. Lanham 
It's on your head, Archibald. 
(X center.) 
{To McGiNNis.) 
What's your name? 

McG::T:as 
{Coming to her.) 
McGinnis, ma'am. 

Mrs. Lanham 
McGinnis!! While you're here, your name will be "Dod- 
son." I always call my butler "Dodson." 

McGinnis 
*' Dodson" it is — ma'am. 

Mrs. Lanham 
That will do, Dodson. You take him in hand, Florence. 
(McGinnis turns to Flo.) 
Flo 
{E7nharrassed.) 
Dodson, go to the dining room. Nora, the maid there, will 
tell you what to do — 

McGinnis 
Yes, miss. 

{Turns, stalks out — a soldier at aitention.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
( Critically. ) 
He has a figure. 

Elizabeth 
{LooMnr/ after McGinnis.) 
I bet he'd be wonderful in silk stockings. 

Mrs. Lanham 
I was thinking of that. He probably has beautiful legs. 

{To Flo.) 
Flo, what do you think of his legs? 

McGinnis 
{Re-appears ai door. To Mr. Lanham.) 
All right, boss, grub's ready. 

(Lanham laughs, Mrs. Lanham and Elizabeth sink 
lack in horror. Flo expression of horror as — ) 

Curtain Falls 

54 



"CIVILIAN CLOTHES" 
ACT II 

Scene — l^he Lanham Dining Room — an old-fashioned room 
with a conservatory opening at the hack. The room is 
seen at an angle, the upper right-hand corner being the 
deepest point. From there the rear wall into ivhich the 
conservatory opens, runs at an angle. The conservatory 
is entered by glass doors. In the extreme right-hand 
corner of the rear wall is the service door. The right 
•wall, center, has a large handsome fireplace service table 
of mahogany. The left icall is taken up with double 
doors entering from the draiving room and a large old- 
fashioned mahogany sideboard. 

In the center parallel with the rear ivall, an oval ma- 
hogany table of old design. The table is laid for a din- 
ner of ten. The furniture of the room is mahogany and 
on the walls are portraits of the Lanham ancestors. The 
whole effect of the room is heavy, old-fashioned, rich. 

Time — Just before dinner — a month later than events in 
Act I. 

Disco\T.RED — At the rise — Fi.orExVCe and Mrs. Lanham are 
inspecting the table. Both are dressed for dinner. 

McGiNNis — wearing black dress coat, with brass but- 
tons, striped vest, satin knicks and silk stockings, enters 
R., takes tray with wine bottle from serving table R. and 
crosses L. and places same on sideboard. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Yes, Dodson — I think the table looks quite well. 

McGlNNIS 

(In carriage, speech, manner, he has become the model 
butler.) 
Thank you, Madam. 

Mrs. Lanham 
I left my lorgnette — 

McGinnis 
Here, Madam. 

(Gets it from sideboard.^ 

Mrs. Lanham 
Now bring me the cards and I'll place them — I left them — 

55 



(Stops.) 

McGlNNIS 

On the desk in the library, Madam. 
Mrs. Lanham 
Yes, of course — that's it — 

(McGiNNis hows, and exits left.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
(With joy.) 
I don 't know how I ever got along without that man ! In 
one month Dodson has become the best butler I ever had — 
{Crosses to right.) 

Flo 
But suppose I don't like him? 

Mrs. Lanham 
Then, my dear, you had better marry Billy, and have your 
own establishment — 

Mr. Lanham 
(Enters L., goes hack of tahle.) 
How's your table, Betty? 

Mrs. Lanham 
Everything will be all right if your daughter will let me 
alone, 

{Up above table.) 

Mr. Lanham 
Florence, how many times have I told you not to bully 
your poor weak mother? 

Flo 
It was just a simple thing. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Simple! She'd like me to discharge Dodson. 
{Left of table.) 

Mr. Lanham 
Discharge Dodson ! 

( Whistles — shakes head. ) 
Oh, Florence? 
(X. D. R.) 

Flo 
But I just can't stand the man. 

Mrs. Lanham 
{Ster7ily.) 
Florence ! Don 't let me ever hear you speak that way 
again. Remember there is but one man a well-bred woman 
just can't stand. 

{Crosses right.) 

Mr, Lanham 
{To Florence.) 
Yes, dear — her husband. 

56 



{Crosses hcloic table to L., then up above table.) 
Flo 
Oh, er — a — 

(McGiNNis re-enters.) 

McGlNNIS 

The cards, Madam — 

(Hands her cards — she moves over to table to place 
them. ) 

Mr. Lanham 
Remember, Betty, this dinner must be a success. Zack 
Hart has come down to talk over some very important 
business. It means a lot to all of us. 

Mrs. Lanham 
I don't think that I've ever failed you socially, Archibald. 

Mr. Lanham 
No, my dear, you never have — socially. 

Flo 
How are you going to place them, Mother ? 
{Rises — Xs to table.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
Oh, Billy will be next you. 

{Places cards — sets herself at lower end of table D. C.) 
My place — Mr. Hart on my right. 

Mr. Lanham 
Then Florence. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Nonsense — I'll put Billy on my left — then Florence. 

Mr. Lanham 
But who is next Hart? 

Mrs. Lanham 
Archibald, if you wish to arrange the table. 

Mr. Lanham 
Not at all — 

Mrs. Lanham 
Dodson, place Mrs. Smythe — next to Mr. Hart — 

Mr. Lanham 
But— 

{Xs to Mrs. Lanham doivn C.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
New York men like widows — they know more — or at least — 
can afford to admit it — 

Mr. Lanham 
Hart wants to talk business. 

Flo 
"Well, he can't talk business too fast for Margie. She 
eloped with her first husband when she hadn't known him 
a week. 

57 



Mr, Lanham 
Oil, verj^ well — fix it to suit yourselves. 
{Stalks out L.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
I'll place Elizabeth on your father's left and Bess on his 
rigrht. She's utterly insipid. That will leave his mind 
clear for liis business. Dodson, put Mr. Rutherford be- 
tween Rliss Florence and Miss Henderson — and General 
Mclnerny opposite — ah, that's settles — now, have the fire 
started properly and look at the candles in the living room. 
(Starts out L.) 

Flo 
I'll see if the cocktails are just as Daddy likes them. 
{Starts to R.) 

McGlNNIS 

I've already fixed the cocktails, Miss— 
Mrs. Lanham 
{At door L.) 
And Dodson — 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, Madam— the glasses are to be kept full — partieularlv 
Mr. Hart's. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Exactly — and those special hickory logs for the fire. 

McGlNNIS 

Selected them myself. Madam, Anything else. Madam? 

Mrs. Lanham 
N-0 — if there is I 'm sure you '11 think of it. 

{Exits.) 

McGlNNIS 

Will you try a cocktail, Miss? 

Flo 

No. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, Miss. 

(Flo XL.) 

{Goes to serving table and brings down a cocktail on 

tray. ) 
Cocktail, Miss? 

Flo 
No. 

McGlNNIS 

{Drinks cocktail.) 
Thank you. Miss. 

{She turns aivay from him — puts down the glass on 
tray and returns same to serving table.) 
Flo 

58 



{Turns had: with determination.) 
Sam, I want to talk to you. 

McGlNNIS 

{F^'tops, arranr/es the logs on the fire, rises, facing her.) 
{X to Flo.) 
Yes, Miss. 

(His attitude is perfectly respectful — perfectly unemo- 
tional.) 

{When she is looking at him hut hehind it lies the 
humor of the strong man playing with a child. Only 
when she isn't looking he must show his heart hreak — 
the love — the longing and the passion of a man making 
a desperate fight for his happiness. He must ''put it 
over" hy gesture, hy attitude, hy facial expression, 
and do this only when she is not looking.) 
Flo 

Sam, I can't stand this one minute longer. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, Miss. 

Will you stop that nonsense and be human. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, Miss. 

Flo 
Don't say "Miss" to me asrain! 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, M— 

{Catches himself guiltily.) 

Flo 

(A pause.) 
Will you do something for me? 

McGlNNIS 

Butling under your mother is doing a good deal for vou — 

Flo 
I mean something else — 

McGlNNIS 

Chauffeur or Chef? 

Flo 
Sam, I want you to give up this place — 

McGlNNIS 

{With afected horror.) 
Stop butling— Oh, Flo ! 

Flo 

{In horror.) 
I'm not laughing. 

McGlNNIS 

59 



No, you are positively heartless. Stop butling when I'm 
learning manners so fast — when meals are so regular and 
you meet so many nice people — that's the way —No matter 
what a man's dreams may be — he can always depend on 
his wife to wreck them. 

Flo 
You don't mean that permanently — you — would — 

McGlNNIS 

Why not? It is an ancient and an honorable profession. 

Flo 
1 do believe j'^ou have the soul of a servant. 
{Turns away from him.) 

McGlNNIS 

I've the job of a butler, Miss — I am a married man — I 
have to look into the future. 

{She Xs angrily to left.) 
So far it has been quite amusing — and — er — lucrative, In 
case, Miss, you sliould need a new hat or even a fur coat, 
it is not above our means— Mr. Rutherford, General Mc- 
Inerny, and particularly Mr. Arkwright have all been 
most generous. 

Flo 
You mean you've taken tips? 

(Xs hack of him.) 

McGlNNIS 

Taken them ? I 've held them up — 
{Beams on her.) 

Flo 
That decides it ! I 'm going to divorce you ! 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, Miss. 

Flo 

{Hysterical.) 
I tell him I'll divorce him and he says, "Yes, Miss." 

{Crosses to L. Near the end of her rope.) 

McGlNNIS 

{With perfect respect.) 
I hope you'll do nothing hasty, Miss — Mrs. Lanham is very 
conservative — a scandal might cost me my place. 

Flo 

{Laughs- — almost hysterically. ) 
Ha— 

{Xs hack to L. of tahle.) 

McGlNNIS 

You were to test the cocktails, Miss — Better let me get you 
one. If I may suggest, thev are always helpful. 

Flo 

60 



Very well — 
'(X toC.^ 
(McGiNXTS Xs up Hide table. Flo helow taMe stands 
watching him. He brings her a cocktail, she drinks 
it hastily. Panse — laughs.) 

You can mix a cocktail. 

McGlNNIS 

Very sweet of you to say so, Miss — 

(Takes glass, puts it down on sideboard.) 
Flo 
I could have stood everything — everything but this — don't 
you see the position you've gotten me into? Oh, if I'd 
only had the courage to face the notoriety — the unpleasant 
ness — then — 

McGlNNIS 

(X to her.) 
Yes, Miss — I was afraid you Avould then — M'^hen you didn't 
it Avas most encouraging — 

Flo 

(Almost in tears.) 
I tliought you'd be an vitter failure — a joke and they would 
get rid of you immediately. 

McGlNNIS 

Onlv vou forgot my army training. 

Flo 
(Crosses R. to him.) 
How could the Army train you to be a butler? 

McGlNNIS 

Whenever he saw the General my Colonel was a perfect 
butler — 

Flo 
And now to make it worse you've taken tips — from my 
friends — and you're mv husband — 
(Sits.) 

McGlNNIS 

(Hastily to justify himself.) 
But I assure you I'm not holding out — you're in on it — 

Flo 
What ! Oh ! 

McGlNNIS 

(Produces book.) 
Here's the record — it's all for you — a new friend of mine 
who is in the barber business explained it to me — "All tips 
go to the old woman." 

(Rises.) 

Flo 
Give them to me — every cent at once — 

61 



{Puts hand out.) 

McGlNNIS 

(Suspiciously.) 
I might have known — it — what are you going to do with 
them? 

Flo 
I shall return every penny. 

McGlNNIS 

And explain they were collected by your husband? 

Flo 
Oh! I— 

McGlNNIS 

Of course, you can't — Guess I'd better keep this — you 
might do something foolish — and then we wouldn't have 
any money to go away on our second honeymoon. 

Flo 
(Aghast.) 
Honeymoon ? 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, quite an idea — don't you think — to have your wife's 
lovers pay for your honeymoon ? I should be able to pick 
up quite a bit to-night. 

Flo 
(Stamps foot.) 
Don 't you dare to take another cent from those gentlemen — 

McGlNNIS 

Oh, I say — have a heart, Miss — If the}^ are making love 
to my wife, 1 ought to get something out of it. 

Flo 

(Angrily.) 
They're not making love to me — 

(Turns away from Sam.) 

McGlNNIS 

Then they're certainly wasting their money. 

Flo 

(Pause.) 
(Weakening.) 
What — what makes you think they're making love to me? 

McGlNNIS 

I oiTTiit to say — because no man could help it — but the 
truth is, Tuesday when I came into the room for the third 
time in ten minutes Mr. Arkwright slipped a twenty dol- 
lar gold piece — and that's how I knew, Mrs. McGinnis. 

Flo 
(Turning around to him.) 
Oh! 

McGlNNIS 
62 



That's what I said, "Oh, thank you, sir — 

(Bowing.) 
1 11 get something prett}' for my wife ' ' — sort of, you know, 
give him a show for his money. 

Flo 
That's outrageous. 

McGlNNIS 

Now, Mrs, McGinnis — 

Flo 
(Stamping her foot.) 
Don 't call me ' ' Mrs. McGinnis ' ' — 

McGinnis 
Yes, Miss, certainly, Miss — only don't get yourself all ruf- 
fled up — it's not becoming — no credit to me for standing 
back and giving all these fellows a show, if you don't look 
good, you know. 

(She seniles.) 
There, that's better, now you look good enough for any 
husband — to give away. 
(Xs to right.) 

Flo 
(Forcing her sense of humor to her rescue.) 
I'd like to box your ears — 

McGinnis 
(Goes to her.) 
I dare you — you haven't the nerve. 

Flo 
I haven't — 

(Flo on sudden impulse slaps him soundly.) 

McGinnis 
(Grabs her arm.) 
Good, that's the most democratic thing you've done yet — 
It's the first step — 

Flo 
To divorce — 

McGinnis 
No, to love and happiness and here's your reward — 

(Suddenly seizes her — holds her close to him.) 
I'm just showing you I could — I'm not kissing you — you 
see — 

(He goes R., she L.) 
(Releases her and laughs.) 
Flo 
(Who had already closed her eyes and set her mouth 
estatically expecting to he hissed against her will — 
with rage and disappointment — X hack and forth. 
Coming towards him.) 

63 



I hate you — Da — ! 

McGlNNIS 

Tut— tut— tut— 

(R. helow tahle, moves toward her.) 
Careful — the next thing you'll forget you're a lady — and 
then what would Mr. Rutherford and the General and Mr. 
Arkwright say? Taking those poor fellows' money and 
then making you fall in love with your own husband — 

Flo 
That settles it — Now, I wouldn't go back to you if you 
were the last man on earth. 

McGlNNIS 

The last man on earth — you wouldn't have a chance — 

Flo 
Indeed ! 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, indeed — there 'd be millions of women — tall ones and 
short ones, fat ones and thin ones — ugly ones and pretty 
ones, blondes and brunettes, washwomen and ladies, too, 
and there I'd be standing with my arms folded, observing 
the awful tragedy — 

{Stands with pose.) 
Go to it. Girls — may the best looker win ! Oh, no, my dear, 
you wouldn't have a chance — 

(Crosses R. toicards door.) 
Flo 

(L. loiver end of table. Suddenly breaks, sits, half 

.•iobs. Impidsively he starts towards her, all sorrow, 

love and sympathy. She does not see.) 
That shows wliat you really think of me. You'd rather 
have some other Avoman — 

{She sinks into chair.) 

McGlNNIS 

I didn't say that. 

{Goes to her. He is behind, almost ready to take her 

in his arms.) 

Flo 
You did! Now, if you're a gentleman you'll give me 
cause for divorce. Any gentleman would. 

(McGlNNIS catches himself shrewdly.) 

McGlNNIS 

Of course, most gentlemen would long ago, but you see I 'm 
a butler and butlers are essentially moral. 

Flo 
{Exasperated.) 
Oh! 

McGlNNIS 

I don't see what you have to complain of. Your husband 

64 



is liberal enough — let's you play with the handsome, per- 
fumed Mr. Rutherford. 

Flo 
Perfume! Don't be ridiculous — no gentleman uses per- 
fume. I wouldn't speak to a man who used perfume. 

McGlNNIS 

And General MeTnerny with his interesting war reminis- 
ences — 

Flo 
Tiresome old stories ! If I have to listen to another I '11 
scream. 

McGlNNIS 

And Billv Arkwright, the caveman — 

Flo 
Mr. Arkwright is a gentleman — besides he'd be ridiculous 
that way. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, I think he would — 
(Goes R.) 

Flo 
You intend to force me to do something desperate — 

McGlNNIS 

Desperate ? You ? 

(X hack to her.) 

(Laughs.) 
"Why, you couldn't do anything desperate — you're too 
afraid of Mrs. Grundy. You were born conventionally — 
you'll die conventionally. If you are divorced, you'll be 
divorced conventionally. The only unconventional thing 
you ever did you're ashamed of — even though it brought 
you the greatest happiness in life. 

Flo 
Happiness ? 

McGlNNIS 

(Bending over hcr.^ 
Yes, happiness— one week of perfect joy. The one thing 
you can't forget — the one thing you want to remember. 

Flo 
You're right. I can't forget it. I wish I could, because — 

McGlNNIS 

Because you love me — 

Flo 

(Rises.) 
No — because I love another man. 

(She expects a jealous outhurst. Instead McGinnis 

claps his hands ivith enthusiasm.) 

McGlNNIS 
65 



Good — splendid ! 
{Claps hands.) 

Flo 
Then you'll help me to be free. 

McGlNNIS 

Help vou to be free? No — I love vou. 

Flo 
Just because I love another man. 

McGlNNIS 

No — because my plan is working. Don't you see you are 
losing your snobbishness? The veneer is peeling off — I'm 
making you over again into what you were — the girl I 
knew in France. Soon you'll have the courage to obey 
your impulse, to follow your heart. 

Flo 
{In tone of inspiration.) 
I believe you're right — I feel it— I do believe you're right — 

McGlNNIS 

I know I'm right and when you've gained the courage to 
follow vour heart — then — 

Flo 
Yes, then, I'll elope wdth the other man. 

McGlNNIS 

{Struck dumb.) 
Huh! 

Flo 

{Crosses towards door L. At door.) 
Thank you — you've showTi me myself — I can never thank 
you enough. 

{Exit.) 

(Nora e7itc7-s R. E.) 

Nora 
Hey. 

(McGlNNIS starts.) 
Lord Algernon. 

McGlNNIS 

What is it, Nora ? 

Nora 
Too proud to answer the front door bell? 

McGlNNIS 

Bell? 

Nora 
Yes— Bell— B-B-double L. 

McGlNNIS 

Have all the guests arrived? 

Nora 
Yes, I just let Mr. Rutherford in — He's the last one. 

66 



{She begins placing plates containing caviar on table.) 

McGlNNIS 

Well, I '11 serve the cocktails. 
{Exit R.) 

Nora 
I always -knew when we got a butler I'd have twice as 
much work to do — me own and the butler's. 

(McGiNNis enters — and exits L. I. E. with cocktails.) 

Nora 
{As Sam enters.) 
Cocktails, sure only the rich can afford them nowadays. 

McGlNNIS 

Oh, I don't know. 

Nora 
Sure, you don't, you mix 'em. 
(Sam exits.) 

Nora 
UPSTART ! 

(Rxttherford eriters from, conservatory in overcoat 
and hat — looks around cautiously.) 
Rutherford 
Dodson ! 

Nora 
What is it, sir? 

Rutherford 
I want to see Dodson, Nora — 

Nora 
{Gets plates from tray on side table and places them 
on table.) 
He is in the drawing room serving the cocktails — You'd 
better hurry and leave your coat and hat upstairs. 

Rutherford 
Never mind the coat and hat, Nora, I'll leave them out in 
the conservatory with the daffodils — 

Nora 
You can suit yourself, sir, but you'd better hurry. 
{Exit.) 

Rutherford 
All right, Nora. 

(Rutherford starts up as though to exit through con- 
servatory. McGlNNIS enters L. I. E. and starts across 
to R. E. — Rutherford comes down R. to McGinnis.) 
Rutherford 
Dodson ! 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir ! 

(Rutherford exits and closes the door L.) 

67 



RuTHERrORD 

(Comes to McGinnis.) 
Just a second, Dodson — I want to see you privately be- 
fore I go into the drawing room — 

McGiNNis 
Yes, sir — 

Rutherford 
Dodson, YOU'VE given me some very good tips. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir, it's been mutual. 

Rutherford 
The arrangement can continue. 

McGlNNIS 

Thank you, sir. 
(Pause.) 

Rutherford 
Well? 

McGlNNIS 

(Pause.) 
Do you use perfume, sir? 

Rutherford 
No — of course — not. 

McGlNNIS 

That's a pity. 

Rutherford 
WHY? 

McGlNNIS 

Miss Lanham was talking about that very thing just a few 
minutes ago. 

Rutherford 
(Amazed.) 
She likes a man to use perfume? Astonishing! 

McGlNNIS 

From what she said, sir — it v.ould settle things between 
you definitely — 

Rutherford 
I wonder where I — 

McGlNNIS 

There's some very nice strong perfume upstairs in the 
bathroom adjoining the room where your coat is, sir. 

Rutherford 
Thanks, that is a tip worth having — 
(Gives hill to McGinnis.) 

McCrlNNIS 

So is this, sir — Thank you — I'll give this to my wife — 
Rutherford 
(Going to door.) 

68 



Dodson, I'll come back after dinner smelling like a rose — 
(Exits up 1. C.) 
(The General enters L. Comes to McGinnis doivn C.) 

McGlNNIS 

Something I can do for you, sir? 

General 

(Pause.) 
Dodson, I don't like nsing you as — 

(Looks around.) 

McGlNNIS 

All Generals use an Intelligence Department, sir — 

General 
(Pause.) 
Er — yes — Anything to report? . 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir — I heard her speak of you to-night with a great 
deal of feeling — 

General 
Indeed ! 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir — particularly your stories— She thinks they're 
wonderful ; if you could tell one at dinner, a long one — 
heroic ! 

General 
Dodson, I '11 do it— 

McGlNNIS 

I'm sure it will get results — 

(General hands him a bill.) 
Oh, thank you, sir, I'll give this to my wife — 

(General exits L. T. E.) 

General 
Dodson, I'll tell her a lone one — 

(Exits.) 

(Billy enters from conservatory with cocktail glass 

in his hand.) 

Billy 

(Comes to McGinnis.") 
Oh, Dodson ! 

McGlNNIS 

(Sees glass in Billy's hand.) 
Did you have your cocktail, sir? 

Billy 
Yes, my own and two that were left by the prohibitionists — 

McGlNNIS 

Will you have a glass of water, sir? 

Billy 
Water, hell, no — whiskey — 

69 



McGlNNIS 

{Goes to serving iahle up R., comes down with bottle 

and glass pouring tvhiskey.) 
Yes, sir. Was that all right, sir? 

BnjLY 
No, just half — 

(Sam pours a second drink. Pause — glass in hand.) 
This is for courage, need a lot of courage to-night — 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir. 

(McGlNNIS takes glass and tray hack to serving table.) 
Billy 

{At R. 0/ McGlNNIS.) 
Dodson, I want to see Miss Lanham to-night very particu- 
larly — privately. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir. 

Bn.LY 
Whatever I am, see I'm not disturbed. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir. 

{Crosses to C. of table.) 

Billy 

( Crosses to McGinnis. ) 

{Pause.) 
Dodson, you a married man? 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir. 

Billy 
{Pause.) 
Dodson, how do you make your wife do something when 
you want her to ? 

McGlNNIS 

I don't think I understand, sir — 

Billy 
Course, your wife's different class — but you know Kip- 
ling — great man Kipling. Judy 'Grady, Colonel's lady 
— all women the same — 

McGlNNIS 

Oh, I see, sir — well — I treat my wife rough — 

Billy ' 

Treat her rough ? 

{Pause.) 
Can 't treat a lady rough — 

McGlNNIS 

Did you ever try it, sir? 

Billy 

70 



N-0— 

{Pause.) 
Colonel's lady— Judy 'Grady — Kipling— great man, he 
ought to know — you say treat them rough? 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, sir — 

Billy 

{With ivise air. As he runs and Xes to door C.) 
Watch me — 

I will, sir — carefully- 



McGlNNIS 

Billy 



{Crosses left to door.) 
Oh, treat 'em rough — treat 'em rough. 

McGlNNIS 

I beg pardon, sir — is that all? 

Billy 
Yes. 

{Pulls out hill — hands it to McGinnis.) 
OH! 

McGlNNIS 

I'll give this to my wife — 

Bn-LY 
{Starts L.) 
Treat 'em rough — Treat 'em rough. 

{Crosses left and exits. Walks out ivith great deal 

of dignity.) 

(Nora enters B. T. E.) 

Nora 
The dinner's ready and the cook says the things will spoil — 

McGlNNIS 

All right, Nora — I'll hand them in. 
(Nora exits li.I.E.) 

(McGlNNIS opens doors. Through the open door the 
furnishings of the drawing room can be seen. As the 
door opens the chatter of voices in animated conversa- 
tion — a slight pause, then the guests come through the 
doors into the dining room. McGinnis follows, closes 
the door. As they come in all are talking. Those en- 
tering are — Mrs. Lanham, Zack Hart, Mrs. Mar- 
garet Smythe, General McInerny, Billy Ark- 
WRiGHT, Florence Lanham, Mrs. Bessie Henderson, 
Jack Rutherford, Elizabeth Lanham and Mr. 
Lanham.) 

(Zack Hart is a man who started from nothing and 
at fifty is a hig figure in finance. He is above medium 
height, rather heavy, with a bidldog face, redeemed 

71 



by keen, shreivd eyes that one minute look through 
one and the next twinkle urith humor. He has the 
mental snap of the man used to quick decisions, hut 
the quite deliberate movements of a hig man assured 
of his position and his ability. His is the snobbish- 
ness of ability and his success has been largely due to 
his ability to know and pick winners among men. 
That is his hobby.) 

(McGiNNis is left opposite Flo's place at table, picks 
up Billy's card — says — ) 

McGlNNIS 

Billy Arkwright ! 

{Then picks up Flo's card, saying — ) 

Thi,s way, Miss Lanham ! 

{Goes to table, picks up Mrs. Smythe's card, then 
along to Miss Elizabeth Lanham, puts Mrs. Smythe's 
card there, picks up Elizabeth's card, places it next 
to Billy's. Miss Elizabeth Lanham that ought to 
help some. Mrs. Margaret Smythe is close to thirty 
but looks five years younger. She is rather tail, full- 
blooded, without being fat. That may come later, hut 
now she is at the most attractive period of her life. 
She is a smart, well-gowned, daring, passionate woman, 
without illusions. She married frankly for money 
the first time and now being free feels the desire and 
the need of marrying again the right man, and she 
will do it.) 

(Bessie Henderson is just a pretty girl like a million 
other pretty girls of the same birth and upbringing.) 

General 
{As he enters.) 

And that was the finish of the story — 
Mrs. Lanham 
{With conventional laugh.) 

Most amusing. 

{The others laugh.) 
{Hiding a bored yawn.) 

Oh, I just adore your stories. General, don't you, Billy? 

Billy 

Well, when I was in France under the General, I heard a 

great many — 

Flo 

I'm sure you enjoyed them all? 

(Billy looks at her — makes a face.) 
Billy 

The younger officers always enjoy the General's stories — 

It 's the custom in the Army — 

72 



Flo 

You're on mother's left, Billy? 

Billy 
{Low.) 
Next to you? 

Flo 
(Affectionately.) 
Of course, silly — 

Mrs. Lanham 
(Hastily.) 
AVill you, take this place on my right, Mr, Hart? 
(He hows.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Oh, I 'm next to you ? 

(To Hart, delighted.) 

Hart 
YOU'VE been next to me from the moment I saw you — 
(Holds out her chair.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
I hate frank men — they are always such liars — 

Hart 
(Bending low and. looking at her card.) 
Just for that you shan't sit by me — 

Mrs. Smythe 
Indeed — the hostess generally arranges that — 

Hart 
Yes— read it. 

(Elizabeth ivalks around table looking for her place. 
Indicates card. On the other side BujLY holding out 
chair for Flo.) 

McGlNNIS 

(In low tone.) 
Excuse me. Miss Lanham, vou're on the other side — 

Flo 
But I fixed it myself — 

McGlNNIS 

On the other side, Miss Lanham — this card says "Miss 
Elizabeth Lanham. ' ' 

Hart 
You're over here by me, Miss Lanham. 

Flo 

Yes, Oh, yes, isn't that jolly!! 

(Starts around table. Low to McGinnis.) 
You dared to mix those cards? 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, Miss — 

73 



General 
Here you are and I was afraid I was going to lose you. 
{Holds out chair on his right.) 
Mrs. Lanham 
{As the ivomen straighten themselves out, to Mc- 

GrlNNlS. ) 

Who mixed the cards? Dodson? 

McGlNNIS 

You placed them, Madam — 

Mrs. Lanham 
Why, why, of course, how careless — next time you place 
them — 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, Madam. 

Mrs. Lanham 
You know you aren't placed at all as I arranged you. 

Mr. Lanham 
Don't worrj' — this is splendid., Betty. 

Mrs. Smytjie 
And if it isn 't as you want it why not inake it progressive ? 

Mr. Lanham 
Oh, I say— 

Others 
Yes, yes, make it progressive. 

Flo 
Precisely. The ladies will move to the left after every 
course. 

{Look at McGlNNIS as she says it.) 

Others 
{Led hy Billy.) 
Yes, yes — 

Elizabeth 
I have never found my place. 

Billy 
Here. 

{Holds out chair for her. They are noiv seated. Mrs. 
Lanham at the foot of the table nearest the front, Hart 
on her right, then in order — Florence, General Mc- 
Inerny, Mrs. Smythe, Mr. Lanham, BeijLe Hender- 
FON. Rutherford, Elizabeth Lanham and Billy. 
When they are finally seated there comes that deadly 
pause that always folJov.:s the seating of a party. 
Cough from Hart, a.nd then from Billy.) 
Billy 
The zero hour ! 

{Immediately all heg^n chattering violently.) 
All — Ad liiB. 

74 



Pleasant day — have you ever kiiown such weather as we 
are having- this winter? Yes, indeed, I think they should 
let the soldiers out sooner. Oh, well, 3'ou know, Baker, 
I 'm a Bolshevik myself. 

Mrs. Smythe 
{As Sam exits L.) 
(To Mrs. Lanham.) 
You know, you have one thing in j^our house I would like 
to steal — 

Mrs. Lanham 
Just one thing, Margaret, what is it? 

Mrs. Smythe 
Your butler. 

Flo 
The butler — why, Margie ! 

Mrs. Smythe 
"Well, if I had him there's only one thing I'd be afraid of 
— some one of my guests would elope with him. 

Flo 
Margie, are you serious? 

Mrs. Smythe 
The best looking thing I've seen. Just think of marching 
into a ballroom with a thing like that. 
Mr. Lanham 
(Low.) 
I'll tell you a secret — I foresee a series of dinners just to 
show Dodson off — this is his debut — 
Mrs. Lanham 
Sh — Arch ibald — 

(McGinnis and Nora begin removing the oyster 
plates.) 

Hart 
{Who has been talking low to Flo.) 
Oh, 3^cs, your father is in on it — you see we have the rights 
to a very valuable railroad in South America — have to 
build it of course. Just waiting to .begin work when we 
can secure the proper man to put it through — just think 
of it — millions! Waiting on the an — 

General 
Should have thought you'd gotten the man almost first. 

Hart 
We had him first, but German efficiency spoiled him — 

Billy 
How? 

Hart 
Belleau Wood. 

Flo 

75 



And now — 

Hart 
"We have to find another engineer. 

(McGiNNis re-enters, looks at Hart sharply. Hart, 
ivithout paying particular attention has been keeping 
an eye on McGinnis.) 

Flo 
Civil Engineer — why, there must be lots of them — 

Hart 
Yes, thousands, but the man we want can't be just a civil 
engineer — he must be a leader of men — diplomat and a 
two-fisted scrapper besides — one in a thousand — it is a thou- 
sand to one against him — 

Billy 
I thought this was a progressive dinner. 

Mrs. Lanham 
So it is. 

(Rises.) 
Gentlemen, please remain seated. Ladies, change. 

(The ladies arise, McGinnis and Nora are removing 
the caviar plates and beginning to hring the soup.) 
Flo 
I am just going to the other side, you know — 

Belle 
There you are, General. • - 

Mrs. Smythe 
Now I'm where I want to be. 

Hart 
Oh, there you are — 

Mrs. Smythe 
You can't lose me — 

(All ladies move to the left, Flo taking the place at 
the foot of the table between Billy and Hart. As 
soon as Flo is seated Billy reaches over with his right 
hand, takes her left hand under the table.) 

Billy 
(Low — ardently. ) 
Thought you'd never get here! 

Flo 

(Sofihf.) 

Silly— 

McGinnis 
(At R. ofBiLhY.) 

Please, sir? 

(Flo looks up, catches McGinnis 's eye, looks at him 
defiantly, and does not take her hand from Billy.) 
(Billy tries to take the bread with his left hand, Mc- 

76 



GiNNis adroitly moves the bread so he can't get it.) 

McGlNNIS 

(Low.) 
Beg pardon, sir, hadn't you better use your right hand, 
sir — 

Billy 
Huh: 

{Sulkily drops Flo's hand, takes piece of bread, puts 
ins hand back to Flo's hand again, McGinnis stops in 
between and as Billy reaches for Flo's ha^id, Mc- 
GiNNis drops a napkin, catches his hand in his and 
gives it a crushing squeeze.) 

Billy 
Ouch ! 

McGlNNIS 

{With great dignity.) 
Pardon me, that's my hand — you squeezed. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Tough luck, Billy— 

Hart 
{To Flo holding out hand.) 
May I offer mine ? 

{The others laugh.) 

Belle 
Congratulations! When are you going to announce it' 

Flo 
Nonsense! Billy was not holding my hand! 
{Holds her two hands above the table.) 

McGlNNIS 

Bread, miss ? 

Flo 
No. 

(McGlNNIS exits.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
I wouldn't dare put my hand under the table now! 

(Billy has reached over and taken Flo's hand again 
and is whispering to her. Flo is perfectly brazen in 
her encourageme7it of Billy.) 

McGlNNIS 

Telephone, Mr. Arkwright — 

Billy 

Huh — oh, telephone — 

{Turns to Mrs. Lanham.) 

If you'll excuse me — 

{He rises— exits left. Flo looks at McGinnis, show- 
vng that she doesn't believe the telephone message.) 

McGlNNIS 
77 



You wish something, miss? 

Flo 
Nothing that you can give me — 

Mrs. Smythe 
{Who has been talking to Hart.) 
But why haven't you ever been married? • 

Hart 
{In voice of tragic actor.) 
It is a long and tragic story. 

(Mrs. Smythe heats on the table.) 
Mrs. Smythe 
Listen— listen — everybody hear the Hart tragedy — 

Others 
Hear — hear — 

Hart 
Once I was young, poor and in love — 

Mrs. Smythe 
Something familiar about that start — 

Others 
Sh — please. 

Hart 
She was the prettiest girl in our town and her father was 
the biggest banker — 

Mrs. Smythe 
I knew 1 had heard it before — 

Others 
Sh— 

Hart 
He intended his daughter for the son of the second largest 
banker — then they would consolidate the banks and live 
happy ever after on other people's money — 

Mrs. Smythe 
George Ade — 

All 
Sh! 

Hart 
I wish you wouldn't let your jealousy crop out — 

Others 
Go on, Mr. Hart ! 

Hart 
I went away to make my fortune, but I came back Avhen- 
ever I could borrow the price. One frightfully hot sum- 
mer day I came back to see her — my fiat was a hot day! 
On my way from the station, I stopped at the florist and 
sent her flowers with my card. When I got to the hotel, 
I learned her father was dead and T was particularly glad 
I'd sent her the flowers. They were putting papa away 

78 



that afternoon. 

Mrs. Smythe 
I don "t see the tragedy — 

(McGiNxis with hottle stands L. C. L. above him.) 
Hart 
Now comes the tragedy — my flowers got there 0. K., so did 
a hundred others — the son of the second largest banker put 
my flowers on papa and took the card to her mother — 
"From Jack Hart," he told her. ''He's a nice boy," she 
said, "I have always liked him," "Read the card" — and 
to the assembled grief-stricken family he read the card 
I had sent with the flowers that now reposed on papa's 
chest. 1 had written "Just a little something to help you 
through the heat." 

(General laughs.) 

(McGiNNis conies down, pours wine, refills glass.) 
Mrs. Smythe 
And the girl? 

Hart 
The next week they consolidated the banks — 
{All laugh.) 

Bnj.Y 
(Enters.) 
Nobody wanted me on the phone. 
{Sits in his place.) 

Flo 
{To McGiNNis.) 
Did any one want Mr. Arkwright on the phone ? 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, miss, a man. 
{Wine.) 

(McGiNNis fills Billy's glass and all through his din- 
ner he is careftd to keep it filled. Billy empties it 
rapidly and gradually shows some effect.) 

Flo 
{Turns to Hart.) 
You know what you said about your railroad interested 
me lots. Is dad in with you ? 

Hart 
Yes, that's why I'm down here — 

Flo 
What would you give for the right man to put it through ? 
(McGiNNis Xcs hack to table filliiig wine glasses.) 
Hart 
Almost any salary in reason. 

Flo 
Suppose I found that man ? 

79 



Hart 
WHICH one of your lovers do von want to get rid of? 

Flo' 
Nonsense. 

Hart 
'^h lire's some chance for the man not coming' back — fever — 
natives — the rough-necks he'll have to handle — 

Flo 
Sometimes I 'm afraid the man I have in mind can handle — 
anything. 

{Looks at McGiNNis ivho hears her lines.) 
Hart 
You? 

Flo 
[Her head coming up.) 
No! 

Hart 
Huh ! if he couldn 't handle a little job like that I don 't 
want him. 

Flo 
Oh! 

Hart 
(To Mr. Lanham.) 
Miss Lanham and I were just speaking of a man for our 
project — 

Mr. Lanham 
I'm afraid the man Flo selected wouldn't have quite the 
manners for that job. 

Flo 
Oh, yes, he has — just manners — 
(Nora enters with soup.) 

General 
There was a Captain in my Division — didn't know him — 
but he would have been just the man for you — on the 
D. D. C, named McGinnis — 

(McGiNNis starts up the R.) 
Mr. Lanham 
McGinnis — why that's the real name of our butler — 

(All look at McGinnis.) 
McGinnis, what was your rank in the Army? 

McGinnis 
(Coming down to R. of Mr. Lanham.) 
Buck private, sir, but I know Captain McGinnis by sight, 
same regiment — 

(Flo sinks hack relieved.) 

Others 
(Disappointed.) 

80 



Oh! 

Mrs. Smythe 
Oh, I am so disappointed — I hoped that he was Captain 
McGinnis. Wouldn't it have been dramatic! 

Hart 
Yes, wouldn't it, Miss Lanham? 
(Modcingly.) 

Flo 
Yes, wouldn't it? But things like that only happen on 
the stage — 

{She looks him right in the eye and they both smile 
challengingly. ) 

Mrs. Lanham 
Tell us about Captain McGinnis, General — 

General 
(Rising.) 
Certainly, if Miss Lanham would like to hear it. 

Flo 
I'd be delighted. 

ALIi 

(Clapping hands and ''Speech, Stand up, etc.") 

General 
(Rising.) 
It happened in fhe Argonne — McGinnis came up there in 
command of a company of Doughboys — he 'd been cited for 
gallantry at San Mihiel, but under a cloud — 

(Flo is sitting very tense in her chair ivatching Mc- 
Ginnis and he, the General. McGinnis stands he- 
hind Mrs. Lanham where she is bound to see him.) 

Flo 
(Almost under her breath.) 
Under a cloud? 

General 

Yes, an affair of a woman. Anyway, it all happened at 
some little village where he was in repose between -San 
Mihiel and the Argonne, but what ever he did there, he re- 
deemed himself gloriously. We had to make five stabs 
before we got through, you know. The Huns held us four 
times in spite of all we could do. The time of the fifth at- 
tack Mr. McGinnis 's company was down to sixty men — he 
was cut off — quarter of a mile ahead of any other troops. 
Three times he crawled back himself and carried up sup- 
plies and ammunition. One nest of machine guns en- 
filaded him and played the devil with the men. They 
couldn't go forward and couldn't go back. Finally Mc- 
Ginnis crawled over in the night, with three men located 
the nest — he was the only one that got that far and he 

81 



jumped into it alone just at day break. Then his men 
swept on but it was too late for him. He's over there. 
They gave him the D. S. C, but for his escape with the 
woman he would probably had the Congressional Medal 
of Honor, 

Hart 
That's the man for me. AVhere is he? I'll give him 
$10,000 a year to start. 

(After the start of the story McGinnis has begun 
quietly passing the soup. Has two soups on the tray.) 
General 
I told you they got there too late for McGinnis. ^ 

Mrs. Smythe 
You know, I could love a man like that. 

Hart 
Then I wouldn't engage him. 

Billy 
And to think that a fellow like that could throw himself 
away on that kind of a woman. 

Flo 
(Startled.) 
What! 

(McGinnis gives one soup to Mrs. Lanham and stands 
ready to serve Billy. Half rises. Mc'Ginnis is stand- 
ing behind Bili^y ivith the soup. As Flo half rises 
he coughs and pours the soup doum Billy's back. 
Flo sits down abruptly as Billy jumps up.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
(In h0)rror.) 
McGinnis ! Dodson ! 

McGinnis 
Beg pardon, sir — 
(Bowing.) 

(In the excitement the curtain falls sharply to end 
the end of scene.) 

CERTAIN 



82 



ACT II 

Scene II 

(McGiNNis at rise is placing one of four chairs tvhich 
are' down stage in front of the taile, up stage.) 

McGlNNIS 

{To Hart v:ho enters L. I. E.) 
What can I do for you., sir? 

Hart 
You niig-ht shake hands with me — 

McGlNNIS 

I don't understand. 

Hart 
(Walks over — holds out hand.) 
I want to congratulate you — Captain McGinnis. 

McGlNNIS 

Sorry, sir, you are mistaken — my name is "McGinnis" but 
I am not "Captain McGinnis." 

Hart 
(Perfectly unruffled.) 
I don't give a damn what your name is — will you work for 
me? 

McGinnis 
No, sir. 

Hart 
Ten thousand a year to start. 

McGinnis 
No, sir. 

Hart 
Good ! No butler would turn down ten thousand dollars a 
year. So you aren't a butler — 

McGinnis 
Then you don't want me as a butler? 

Hart 
Hell, no, civil engineer. 

McGinnis 
(Skeptically.) 
What makes you think I could handle a transit or calculate 
grades and costs? 

Hart 

83 



( Coughs. ) 

(McGiNNis starts R., guiltily.) 
Good. You are McGinnis and you are an engineer. 

McGlNNIS 

You've not proved that. 

Hart 
No, you proved it when you blushed like a school boy at 
the Old General's story and then covered Miss Lanham's 
confusion by pouring the soup doAvn that young fool's 
back. 

(Pause.) 

McGinnis 
(Laughs.) 
You '11 say nothing ? 

Hart 
Naturally, man, it's the prettiest proposition you could 
imagine — mines beyond the dreams of avarice, to be de- 
veloped and five hundred miles of railroad to be put 
through the damndest country you ever saw. 

(Involuntarily, McGinnis 's eyes sparkle, his face 
lights eagerly.) 
Fifteen thousand dollars a year to start with — all the 
money to back you, and authority. 

(A pause.) 
Can't you see it? 

McGinnis 
(Nods.) 
Of course, I can see it. 

(Pause, shakes his head.) 
But— 

Hart 
Do you think any woman is worth sacrificing your future, 
big work and twenty thousand a year for? 

(Mrs. Smythe enters L. Pauses left of chair L. C, 
hand on chair.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Oh, there you are — I've chosen for you — 

Hart 
Good ! In just a moment. 

(To McGinnis ^^'ho has Xed to door R.) 
You haven't answered that last question. 

McGinnis 

(At door R., turning, in tone of hutler.) 
The answer is — yes, sir, I do think so — 
(Hart disappointed.) 
(Hart pleased.) 
(Hart shrugs his shoidders, turns to Mrs. Smythe. 

84 



McGiNNTS exits through pantry service door.) 

Hart 
(To Mrs. Smythe.) 
I need you. 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Xes to him helow table, L. of him.) 
I've always felt that there was some man who needed me. 

Hart 
How well do you make love? 

]\Irs. Smythe 
W-e-11, try me. 

PI art 
U-u-m. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Or perhaps you prefer references — not from relatives. 

Hart 
I can't afford to fail. 

Mrs. Smythe 
You don't expect me to say "Yes" before you ask me? 

Hart 
Oh, Lord, not me — I want you to make love to a butler, 

Mrs. Smythe 
What ! But— well, of all the— 

{Catches herself.) 
Show me the butler ! 

Hart 
Oh, he's a very superior butler — just refused $20,000 a 
year to work for me. 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Amazed.) 
Twenty thousand a year — what would I do for $20,000 a 
year ? 

(Turns to C.) 
No lady could tell 3'ou. 

Hart 
Come here. 

(Whispers. Bus. ad lit. She comes to him. He 
puts his mouth close to her ear and whispers low, fast. 
Her face shows front. Her expression changes from 
curiosity to amazement, keen delight and humor. 
Finally she ceases, she throws hack her head ayid 
laughs heartily.) 
(Aloud.) 
You'll help me? 

Mrs. Smythe 
Will I? You bet I will — I owe her one anyhow — 

Hart 

85 



You'll have to work fast. 

Mrs. Smythe 
I married my first husband the week after I met him — 

Hart 
(Moving away from her.) 
You don't say! I'm leaving for New York Saturday. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Two days? 

(Looks at him speculatively. He moves farther away. 
X toward Hart at door L. They move a little to R.) 
Hart 
Some woman's going to have a lot of fun gentling you — 
She'll have her work cut out for her — not wishing to dis- 
courage you — 

Mrs. Smythe 
Discourage ? You know you have a strange effect on my 
ambition ? 

Hart 
Your — 

(Pauses with uplifted eyebrows.) 
Ambition ? 

(Pause. Mrs. Smythe faces front.) 
One job at a time. 

(McGiNNis enters bringing some silver which he places 
on the sideboard. Hart 7iods towards him. Then 
starts for door L.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Miss Lanham told me to send you immediately — 

Hart 
I fly— I fly— 
(Exits.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
(8its front of table. To McGinnis.) 
Would you give me a glass of water, please? 

McGinnis 
CERTAINLY, madam— 

(Gets the glass of water from serving table, brings it 
to her. She drinks the water, looking at him over the 
glass. Holds the glass in her hand — does not replace 
it on uiaiter.) 
Was that all, madam? 

Mrs. Smythe 
Yes, that'll be all. 

(He takes the glass back to the serving table.) 
Mrs. Smythe 
Why don't you let a woman help you? 

McGinnis 

86 



{Startled. Drops glass on tray,) 
What ! Beg pardon, madam. 

Mrs. Smythe 
I said — why don'f you let a woman help you, Captain 
McGinnis ? 

McGlNNIS 

{With unconscious resentment and hauteur.) 
You've made a mistake, madam— 

Mrs. Smythe 
{Rises. Bows to him with ynock humility.) 
Please don't be alarmed, sir, my intentions are perfectly 
honorable. 

{He looks at her — she looks at him — slowly a grin 
spreads over his face. She smiles too.) 
There, is that better? 

{Pause.) 
Have I made a successful "pickup"? 

McGinnis 
{Bows loiv.) 
It does me great honor, madam, to be added to your col- 
lection. 

{She smiles.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Good! I knew I'd like you! You see it's the first time 
I ever flirted with a butler. Even a make-believe butler — 
so forgive me if I do it rather badly. 

McGinnis 
{Falling into her mood.) 
Like a soldier called by the great Russian Queen, I await 
your pleasure. 

Mrs. Smythe 
{Sits front of table looking at hifn with critical ad- 
miration and sfjeaking in perfectly matter of fact 
tone.) 
You know I think I could love you — 

McGinnis 
Do you think it's a fair game for a lady to try to make a 
fool of a butler ? 

Mrs. Smythe 
I think it's a fair game for a lady to make a fool of any- 
body — if she can. 

McGinnis 
If she can. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Can she ? 

McGinnis 
That depends — how far do yoa usually go? 

87 



Mrs. Smythe 
If one knew what would be the fnu in the adventure — 

(Pause.) 
How far do you usually go ? 

McGlNNIS 

Until I get M'hat I start after. 

Mrs. Smythe 

{Rises X to McGiNNis.) 

(Smiles with invitation.) 
I'll be at home to-morrow evening — 

McGlNNIS 

Shall I call in my — 

(Indicates butler's livery.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
(L. C.) 
No, you may wear those very good-looking evening clothes 
you have hidden away to dazs^le Miss Lanham with. 

(He starts unvoluntarily. She smiles. The door 
starts to open. With a quick look McGinnis sees Flo 
entering. He hends toward Mrs. Smythe almost 
loverlike.) 

McGinnis 
(Sees Flo and plays up to Mrs. Smythe.) 
What a pity we didn 't meet sooner ! 
(Flo starts, gasps.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
A late start makes for speed — don 't you think ! 

Flo 
(Flo astounded.) 
Well! Margie! 

(McGinnis with exaggerated guilty look straightens 
up.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Oh, that you, dear ? I M^as just have a most charming chat 
with your butler. 

Flo 
Indeed. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Yes, indeed — you know — 
(XtoC.) 

(Lowers her voice to confidential tone.) 
Since the evening I met my first husband I don't know 
when I've been so thrilled — My dear! he's adorable. 

(McGinnis straightens up.) 
I can hardly wait to see him in evening clothes. 

Flo 
Evening clothes! 

88 



Mrs. Smythe 
Of course, my dear! Evening clothes, that's the test of 
a man. 

McGlNNIS 

St. Patrick. 

{Exits to R.) 

Flo 
(Icily.) 
I'd advise you to try him in a dress suit first — 
Mrs. Smythe 
[Xing to L.) 
Oh, I'm going to— to-morrow night. He's coming to call — 

Flo 
Coming to call — my — 

(X to Mrs. Smythe.) 

{Starts to say "hushand" — catches herself.) 
Butler — on you ? 

Mrs. Smythe 
{Perfectly matter of fact tone.) 
Certainly — on whom else? Rush dinner a little, will you? 
That's a dear child — so the poor fellow can get away early. 
(McGiNNis re-enters and crosses to L., opening door 
for Mrs. Smythe.) 

Flo 
I 'm sorry but it 's Dodson 's night in. 
{Xes to R.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Oh, I'll wait for him — don't forget me — butlerman — 

McGinnis 
I'll be there, madam. 

(Closes door after her.) 

Flo 
{Xes L. to him in hurry.) 
What did that woman say to you ? 

McGinnis 
I 'm sorry, miss, but that is a private matter. 

Flo 
She's trying to make a fool of you — 

{He gets her attitude instantly and plays his cards.) 
McGinnis 
Oh, no, miss, I hardly think so. She seemed a very kind, 
sweet spoken lady. 

Flo 
(Xes to R. C.) 
Kind, sweet spoken ! 

McGinnis 
Yes, and so beautiful ! 

89 



She kidnapped her first husband the week she met him. 

McGlNNIS 

Honestly ? 

{Looking off L. A smile of delightful anticipation 

spreads over his face.) 

Flo 

{Cuttingly.) 
From your expression I suppose you imagine she'll elope 
with you? 

McGlNNIS 

A few minutes ago you were going to elope with some one — 
well, if that's the custom of the smart set — 

Flo 
Oh! 

McGrlNNIS 

It's strange more women don't realize how interesting the 
purely natural woman without veneer or snobbery can be. 

Flo 
Natural ! Not even her complexion is that ! 

McGrlNNIS 

What is complexion besides a soal! 

Flo 
{Crosses to him.) 
I think you've gone mad — 

McGlNNIS 

{Dreamily.) 
I wonder. 

Flo 

{Going to him.) 
Now see here, Sam McGinnis — 

McGlNNIS 

Beg pardon, miss, are you addressing me in my profes- 
sional or personal capacitv? 

Flo 
{With anger.) 
Personally. 

McGlNNIS 

Then speaking personally and professionally — sauce for the 
goose is sauce for the gander, .'uid I don't propose that you 
shall have all the love making in this family. 

{Turns back on her.) 
As a married man, I 'm entitled to my share and I 'm going 
to get it at home or elsewhere — it's up to you. 

Flo 

{Enraged and dumfounded.) 
Well ! I— 

McGlNNIS 
90 



Of course, as j-ou have three, I suppose I'll have to do three 
times fis much — 

(Enlightens.) 
AVell. T think we can. 

Flo 
{With amazement, rage, fear arid iinunlling admira- 
tion. ) 
We'll see— 

(X little to R.) 

f Billy enters L., it is plainly evident he has been 
drinJdng. He is speaking to himself as he enters. 
Billy motions McGinnis off.) 

Billy 
{To himself.) 
Treat 'em rough ! 

{Makes extravagant gesture to McGinnis to get out. 
Mc(tInnis realizes the situation, smiles and exits to 
butler's pantry. Flo turns to Billy surprised.) 
{With exaggerated savagery.) 
Sit down ! 

(Flo amazed sits suddenly. Billy turns toward au- 
dience ivith grin on his face.) 
Treat 'em rough ! 

Flo 
{Having recovered from her amazement, jumps to her 
feet, angry that she, nnthout thinking, obeyed him.) 
Billy Arkwright, what under the sun — 

Billy 
{Looking around stage with exaggerated dignity.) 
Sun ? Whose son ? 

Flo 
{Looks fixedly at BilIjY, realizes he is intoxicated.) 
How many times have I told vou not to mix cocktails and 
Scotch 1 

Billy 
{Over dignified.) 
I didn't mix 'em — I just put tliem there and they mixed 
themselves. 

{Shaking his finger, steryily.) 
Flo, I am not going to stand the — 

Flo 
{Suddeydy, sharply.) 
Sit down ! 

(Billy flops into chair surprised. Flo starts going 
toward pantry.) 
I know what you need. Dodson ! 
(McGinnis enters.) 

91 



Dodson, take Mr. Arkwright out and give him a bromo 
seltzer. 

McGlNNIS 

(Bows.) 
Yes, miss. 

{Goes back to the table and takes Billy by arm.) 
If you please, sir. 

Billy 
(Rises with drunken dignity.) 
All right — if that's the way you feel about it. 

(Moves toward pantry vnth McGinnis as he goes out, 
holding on to McGinnis 's arm.) 
Dodson, your advice's no good — a tall. 

(Flo looks at him sharply.) 
You and Kipling all wrong. Can't treat a lady rough — 
won't allow you — 

McGinnis 
Yes, sir — yes, sir. 

(Exits ivith Billy. Eutherford enters door L. 
Business with handkerchief.) 

Rutherford 
Hello, been looking for you. 

Flo 
(Backing away from him.) 
What have you been doing to yourself? 

Rutherford 
Nothing ! Why ? Come into the conservatory. I want to 
talk to you. 

Flo 
Conservatory? No, thanks, you're sweet enough without 
the flowers. 

Rt:'thbrford 
But, Flo— 

Flo 
(Moves away.) 
Keep away from me. Is it hair tonic or is it some of that 
awful French perfume ? 

Rutherford 
Why, I put it on for you. Don't vou like it? 

Flo 
I hate it. I hate everything like that and you know it. 
Rutherford 
(Turning to L. and clenching his fists.) 
Damn that butler! 

Flo 
(Follovjing him a step.) 
What has the butler to do with it? 

92 



Rutherford 
Nothing: — absolute] V notliinp'. 

Flo 
Jack Rutherford, how much did you tip Dodson for making 
a fool of you ? 

Rutherford 
(In a rage.) 
I know what I 'm going to tip him ! 
(The General enters L.) 

GeneraIj 
Ah, Miss Lanham — 

(Handkerchief business by Rutherford. He rubs the 
handkerchief across the General's shoulders. Flo 
turns to door of pantry.) 
Flo 
Yes, General, just a second. 

(Calls off B.) 
Dodson ! Call Mr. Arkwright. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, miss. 

(Calls off.) 
Mr. Arkwright. 

Billy 
You want me, Dodson, you just took me off. 

(Looks around.) 
What's the trouble? 

Flo 
(To Billy.) 
I need you. Don't go, Dodson. 

(Motions him over to her side.) 
Dodson, return to these gentlemen the money they gave 
you to-night. 

All 

(Confused except McGinnis.) 
Money, what money? 

Flo 
The money you gentlemen paid Dodson for making fools 
of you. 

Rutherford 
Now listen — Flo. 

General 
{BiLi,Y drops the glass and gidps.) 
Miss Lanham. 

Flo 
Return the money, Dodson. 

McGinnis 
(Xes to the three men.) 

93 



Yes, miss. 

{The thi'ee men stand like ivMpped school hoys, pic- 
tures of embarrassed me^i. McGinnis produces his 
note book and bills.) 
(Reads.) 
"Mr. Rutherford — for information that Miss Lanham likes 
a man to use a strong perfume — $5.00." 

(Billy and General bvrst into a laugh.) 
(Rutherford holds back. Flo motions. He takes 
the money unwillingly.) 

Rutherford 
(As the others laugh.) 
Wait ! 

(In protest to Flo, with the money still in his hand.) 
He hung it on me fairly — he's entitled to the money. 

Flo 
Take that money for more perfume. 
Rutherford 
I don't use it any more. 
(Takes money.) 

General 
Really, Miss Lanham, I object. 

McGinnis 
"General Melnerny — for information that Miss Lanham 
loves stories of General Melnerny 's heroism — $2.00." 

(General snatches money and sticks it in his pocket.) 

Rutherford 
(Turning to Billy with a. laugh and holding up two 
fingers. ) 
Piker — two bucks ! 

McGinnis 
' ' Mr. Arkwright— $20.00. ' ' 

Rutherford 
Say, he must have given you an ear full. 
(Down C. with Billy L. of him.) 
Flo 
Now, gentlemen, thanking you one and all for your kind- 
ness — 

General 
(X to Flo.) 
Really, I think. Miss Lanham — - 

Flo 

(Shaking hands.) 

Good night. General ! I 've enjoyed your stories so much ! 

Rutherford 

(Xs to Flo C.) 

Good night, Flo. Have lunch with me to-morrow — got five 

94 



dollars. ' , 

Flo 
You incorrigible ! 

(Shakes hands, Rhtherford turns, goes out.) 

RlITHERrORD 

(Xs to Billy.) 
Good night, William — Sweet AYilliam ! 

(Jii:hy, handkerchief across Billy a^id exits.) 
(Flo turns to Billy, trho stands the picture of glum 
anger.) 

McGlNNIS 

Anything- else, miss? 
I'll speak to yon later. 



Flo 

McGlNNIS 



Yes, miss. 

(Starts to turn away, turns hack.) 
Beg pardon, miss, but will thei^e be any guests for dinner 
to-morrow night ? 

Flo 
(Involuntary anger at his cool lauqhing at her.) 
Oh! 

Billy 
(Feeling that there is something between them, not 
knoiving what it is.) 
Flo — I'm not going to perm.it a damned, impertinent but- 
ler to — to — 

(Like a flash IMcGinnis turns on him. The air of a 
hutler drops from McGinnis. He stands instead^ 
draivn up to his full height, the fighting Captain of 
doughhoys facing an inferior officer — snaps out sharply 
in the tone of the drilling ground.) 

McGlNNIS 

Lieutenant Arkwright ! Attention. 

(Involuntarily his army training asserts itself. Billy 
snaps to attention and stands rigid before his superior 
officer. The two face each other not as civilians, hut 
as Captain and Lieutenant.) 
Billy 
(In tone of amazement.) 

Who are you to speak to me in that way ? 

McGlNNIS 

I was a Captain of Infantry at San Mihiel. 

BUiLY 

You a Captain? 

(McGiNNTS reaches in pocket, brings out D. S. C, shows 
it. In tone of amazement and unwilling admiration, 

95 



looks at the Cross in his hand.) 
The Distinguished Service Cross. 

{Looks from McGinnis to Flo and tack to McGinnis.) 
So you were that Captain, sir? 

McGinnis 
Yes, and now it's cards on the table between you and me! 
The rest is up to — to — 

{Hesitates.) 
—to Miss Lanham. 

Billy 
I understand — 

Flo 
Wait for me, Billy, I wish to speak to Captain McGinnis. 

(Billy hows to her, hows to McGinnis. McGinnis 

hows to him, he turns and exits — still dazed.) 

{To McGinnis.) 
How dared you do that ! 

McGinnis 

{Sternly.) 
The time has come for a show down. 

{Comes over to Flo.) 

Flo 

{Unheeding him.) 
Do you think you can make a joke of my friends ! Laugh 
at me ! Humiliate me ! Break your word to me ! 

McGinnis 
You are sure you haven't broken vour word to me? 

• Flo 
What word? 

McGinnis 
Your word given in France to be a loyal true wife ! 

Flo 
{Excitedly.) 
Me ! Loyal ! True ! How about j^ourself ? Not twenty 
minutes ago didn't I find you in this very room carrying 
on with another woman — making appointments with her — 
planning to go to see her — at night ! You think you can 
do all that and then expect me to love you ! 

McGinnis 
You are going on like a spoiled jealous child. 

Flo 

(X to L. towards door. The truth of it cuts and lashes 

her into a rage.) 
Jealous ! Do you think I 'd be jealous of her ! A woman 
like that ! A woman who flirts with a servant that takes 
tips from gentl<^men ! 

{Laughs high and excitedly.) 

96 



Huh! Jealous of her! I'll show you how jealous I am! 

(XstoL.) 

McGlNNIS 

You think I don't love you, when only to-night I — 

{About to tell her of Hart's offer he stops short.) 
Flo 
Say it ! Say it ! 

(He keeps silent, which only adds to her anger.) 
You won't — all right, I'll say it for you! Only to-night, 
you humiliated me, insulted me. Oh ! I told you what 
I felt when you first came back, I knew this wouldn't work 
out. Oh, I was H fool — a fool ! 

{She is on the verge of angr-y tears.) 

McGlNNIS 

You are acting very mucli like a fool now. 

Flo 
I'm not! I have been, but I've waked up! I see clearly! 
I know what I'm going to do! 

McGlNNIS 

{Exasperated.) 
Sometimes I almost wonder if you're worth it! 

Flo^ 
Huh — wonder — I don 't wonder. I know ! I knew the 
moment I saw you I'd made an awful mistake. You harp 
on promises ! All right, I remember promises you made 
me — the promise you made when you agreed to this thing. 
Now I hold you to it. Now make good. 

McGlNNIS 

What promise ? 

Flo 
The promise to go away— say nothing — let me get a divorce 
quietly — 

McGlNNIS 

And then make the greater mistake of marrying that boy. 
No! 

Flo 
You go or I go. 

McGlNNIS 

You'd tire of him in a week. 

Flo 
What are you going to do? 

McGlNNIS 

I'm going to admit we both have been fools — announce our 
marriage and bring you to your senses. 

Flo 
{She stares at him horrified. — loiv.) 
Oh, I hate you ! 

97 



McGlNNIS 

(Suddenly takes her hy the shoulders, gives her a 

little shake.) 
I'm going to make you love me, understand? Love me! 
Love me ! 

{Losing control of himself, he pulls her to him, kisses 

her several times.) 

Flo 

(Fighting herself free.) 
Don't, don't, don't. You'll give me grounds for divorce 
or I'll give you grounds for divorce. 

McGlNNIS 

(Laughs.) 

Oh, no, you won 't ! 

Flo 
I will, I will. 

(Exits L. U. as she ruhs her hand violently across her 
mouth and rushes from the room ju^t as her mother 
and Mr. Lanham, folloived hy Hart enter excitedly.) 
Mrs. Lanham 
Dodson, is this true ? 

McGlNNIS 

"What, madam? 

Mrs. Lanham 
Mr. Arkwright tells us that you are Captain McGinnis. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, madam. 

Mrs. Lanham 
A Captain in the Army for our Butler ! Oh, my ! 

(Looks at him, almost overcome with amazement and 

pride. ) 
I — don't know what to say. 

McGlNNIS 

I don't see that there's any necessity of anything, madam, so 
long as I'm giving satisfaction. 

Mrs. Lanham 
You mean — you mean you 're going to stay ! 

McGlNNIS 

Do you know of any reason why I shouldn 't ? 

Mrs. Lanham 
N-no — n-no — 

Mr. Lanham 
Nonsense ! If she doesn 't know any reason I do ! 

McGlNNIS 

What? 

Mr. Lanham 
The simple reason I don't want you any longer! 

rs 



Mrs. Lanham 
Discharge Dodson — McGimiis, Dodson? You shall do no 
such thing. 

Mr. Lanham 
But— 

Mrs. Lanham 
Don't think for one instant, Archibald, that I shall permit 
you to interfere with my domain — Captain McGinnis is a 
brave soldier — he's a hero. 

Mr. Lanham 
I appreciate, Betty, the social advantage of having a hero 
as a butler, but all the same Dodson is discharged for the 
reason that Captain McGinnis is going to work for Mr. 
Hart and myself! 

Hart 
At twenty thousand a year — 

Mrs. Lanham 
{Sits down abruptly, says — ) 
Good gracious. 

McGinnis 
I'm sorry, Mr. Lanham, but I've already discussed that 
matter with Mr. Hart and for the present I prefer my 
present position. 

Mrs. Lanham 
There — I knew he was loyal — I knew he'd do the wise 
thing. 

(Nora enters abruptly from the service door.) 

Nora 
(Rushing on from pantry.) 
Excuse me — Mrs. Lanham — ^I must see you a moment. 
(All look up startled.) 

Mrs. Lanham 
What is it, Nora? 

Nora 
It's Miss Florence, ma'am — she's gone. 

Mr. and Mrs. Lanham 
Gone ? 

Mrs. Lanham 
Gone where? 

Nora 
I don't know, sir — she's gone with Mr. Billy. Her and 
him eloped. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Oh, Arch, go after them, go after them. 
(X to Mr. Lanham.) 

Mr. Lanham 
Nom% my dear, don't get excited. 

99 



McGlNNIS 

Forgive me, Mrs. Lanham, my interrupting you at this 
happy time, but I am quitting at once. 

Mrs. Lanham 
But I thought— 

(Mr. Lanham looked at Mm shrewdly.) 
Hart 
Don't forget that offer's open. 

{Puts hand on McGinnis's shoidder.) 

McGrlNNIS 

Thanks. I'll take it. You go ahead and make arrange- 
ments. 

Hart 
GOOD! 

{Exits L.) 

McGinnis 
But first I have some family matters to attend to. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Family matters? 

McGinnis 
Yes — I'm going to see my wife. 
{Going to door R.) 

Mr. Lanham 
I didn't know you were married. 

Mrs. Lanham 
Captain, who is your wife ? 

McGinnis 
Believe me she's a damned little fool. 

{Curtain falls rapidly. Mrs. Lanham a^id Elizabeth 
talking excitedly about the elopment.) 

Curtain 



100 



ACT III 

Scene — Hotel parlor in Hotel Grunewald. Windows L., 
two entrances rear on corridor, one entrance R. to hotel 
lobby. 

Evening of the second day. 
Discovered — Hart in evening clothes, smoking moodily, 
seated R. of table reading paper. 
Colored Boy enters R. 

Boy 
Yes, sail ! Here I am, sah ! 

Hart 
{Seated R. of center table.) 
Did you find out about that train? 

Boy 
Yes, sab. De I. C. from Louisville is twenty hours late on 
'count o' high water. You come down on the L. & N. 
that's hoAV you happen to beat 'em in. De trains dat 
ousrhtta got in las' night jest comin' in now, sah. I reckon 
de two trains, las' night's and tonight's, comin' in pretty 
near together. 

Hart 
Huh! 

( Pause. ) 
And did you find out about Mr. and Mrs. Arkwright? 

Boy 
No, sah, dey ain't no sech gen'leman stoppin' in de hotel. 
Den I rung up de St. Charles an' dey ain't dere neither, 
but de clerk here says Mr. Arkwright telegraphed from 
Memphis for rooms for himself an' wife and we're a 
holdin' 'em. 

Hart 

(Reaches in his pocket, pidls out a dollar and hands 
it to the boy.) 
All right, George Washington — let me know the moment 
they arrive. 

Boy 
'Scuse me, boss, I ain't George Washington, dat's de other 
boy, I'se Lafayette. 

Hart 

101 



(Rises.) 
Excuse me, General Foch. 

Boy 
Yes, sah. 

(Exits just as McGinnis enters C.) 

McGlNNIS 

No trace of them yet? 

Hart 
Haven't heard, have you? 

(McGiNNis shakes his head and crosses up R. C looks 
off to R.) 
Don't you think, my boy, you're wasting" your time? 

McGinnis 
(Crossing down toivanl Hart.) 
What do you mean? 

Hart 
A man's a fool to allow any woman to upset him when 
he has big work to do. Forget her. 

McGinnis 
(Crossing up to Arch C.) 
Don't you think you're wasting your time? 

Hart 
What do you mean ? 

McGinnis 
A man is a fool that tries to regulate another man's life 
when he knows he can't do it. 
(Goes through arch to R.) 
Hart 
I agree with you. I don't care whether it's any of my 
business or not I don't propose to see you spoiling your 
life over a woman that's not worth it. 

McGinnis 
But you see, I'm not spoiling my life, because she is worth 
it, to me. 

Hart 
Now see here, Sam, I'm an older man than you, and if you 
take my advice — 

McGinnis 
(Interrupting quietly, as he looks off arch C.) 
All the mistakes in the world come from taking the other 
fellow's advice. 

Hart 

(Throwing up his hands — rises, crosses up to C.) 

All right, that settles it, I'm through. But it may interest 

you to know, since you're so sure of her, that there are 

rooms reserved in THIS hotel for Mr. and Mrs. Arkwright. 

McGinnis 

102 



{At arch B.) 
Yes, wired from Memphis. I knew it hours ago. 

Hart 

{Crosses front of table to L. of it, then above table 

to R.) 
We can't hold up millions of dollars to wait the conveni- 
ence of your love affairs, you know. 

McGlNNIS 

{Crosses from arch R. to below table.) 

You can always get another boy, you know. 

Hart 
{Crosses quicMy down L. to front of table, facing Mc- 
GiNNis and speaking in concUintory tone.) 

Oh, come, you know I didn't mean that, you know. 

McGlNNIS 

{Crosses up R. of table to R. C.) 
Then trust me. I'm playing for ray life's happiness, man; 
I can't afford to fail. I won't be worth a continental 
damn to you, myself or anybody else, if I don't see this 
through. 

{Turns up R. C.) 

(McGlNNIS, Sr., enters R. C. preceded by bell boy 

with grip.) 

McGlNNIS, Sr. 
Sam ! My boy ! 

McGlNNIS, Jr. 
Dad! 

{They clasp hands, Sam throwing his left arm around 

his father's shoulders and giving him. a hug, then 

turning to Hart.) 
My father— Mr. Hart ! 

(Sam and McGinnis, Sr., move down R. of table.) 
Hart 

{Grasping the old. man's hand.) 
How are you, Mr. McGinnis? 

McGlNNIS, Jr. 

{Motions bell hop off.) 
It's good to see you. Dad — didn't have an idea you were 
within a thousand miles of New Orleans. 

{Puts him in chair.) 

McGinnis, Sr. 
Well, you see, I've been worrying over you close to a 
month. 

{To Hart.) 
His letters ain't been happy, so I .just thought I'd sorter 
run down to Louisville and look at the reason. 
McGinnis, Jr. 

103 



(Bitterly.) 
And when you got there — 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
I went to the address you wrote. The maid told me that 
you had been working as a butler — 

(Turns to Hart.) 
My boy working as a servant ! 

(To McGiNNis, Jr.) 
Then I knew things were bad. 

Hart 
How did you know he had come to New Orleans? 

McGrlNNIS, Sr. 
The maid told me at the Lanham House that he was going 
to work for you and they gave me your address here in 
New Orleans, so I took the first train and here I am. 

{To Sam.) 
You see I wanted to heir about that young woman from 
you. 

MoGiNNis, Jr. 

Young woman? ''-'] 

McGiNNis, Sr. 

(R. of McGiNNis, Jr.) 
Ah, don 't try to fool your old dad ! You 've been out of 
the &Ymy nearly two months. What else could have kept 
you from your old dad? What else could have spruced 
you up so? Why, boy, you're a regular dude. 

(Looks expectantly at Sam — a long pause, Sam is try- 
ing to make up his mi7id whether or not to tell his 

father. Hart ivatches him anxiously, obviously eager 

for Sam to tell.) 

(Sam crosses up R.) 

Hart 
You're right, Mr. McGinnis, he ought to tell you all about 
it. I've tried to advise him, but he won't listen to me. 
From the way he acts, I know there's something he's hold- 
ing out. 

(Turns to Sam.) 
I'll go out, Srm. You can talk to your father more freely. 
You aren't in shape, boy, to thing clearly about this mat- 
ter. Take his advice. If you want to find me — I'm go- 
ing to get some 2.75. 

(Exits L. C.) 

McGiNNis, Sr. 

(Looks expectantly at Sam. A long pause. Sam 
leans over taMe.) 
Come, son, tell your old man all about it. If there's any 
trouble you can talk to me straight from the shoulder, 

104 



{Pauses, Sam doesn't speak.) 
One way and another I've gathered this much — you're in 
love with Miss Lanham and she's eloped — 

McGtnnis, Jr. 
There's nothing I can tell you, Dad, nothing I can talk 
about until I've seen her and him. 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
{Quickly puts his hand on his son's arm.) 
She's shown what she thinks of you, boy — she's gone with 
another man — why not take your medicine like a man — let 
her go. 

McGiNNis, Jr. 
I can't, Dad. 
{Bitterly.) 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
But if she's married to another man — 

McGiNNis, Jr. 
But she's not — she can't be — because she's my wife. 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
You are married? 
{Strokes hair.) 

McGixNis, Jr. 
Yes, we were married in France. 

{Looks hurt.) 
I wish I had told you. Dad, but — at the time — 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
That's all right, son, 

{Pause.) 
So she's j^our wife. And she's gone with another man! 

{Rises.) 

{With explosion of anger and contempt striking table 

with open hand.) 
Then to Hell with her! 

McGiNNis, Jr. 
{Pause R. of McGinnis, Sr.) 
Yes, Dad — but what of me — and the other man ? 

McGinnis, Sr. 
What are you planning to do, son? 
McGinnis. Jr. 
{Comes down and crosses R. in front of table to Mc- 
Ginnis, Sr.) 
I'm going to take her away from him, and if he so much 
as bats an eye, I '11 — 

McGinnis, Sr. 
No, boy — he couldn't have taken her if she didn't want to 
go. 

McGinnis, Jr. 

105 



{R. C. below table.) 
She's done nothing wrong — she's foolish, headstrong — but 
slie's done nothing really wrong. I'd stake my life on it. 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
But if she has? 

McGiNNTS, Jr. 
She's my wife, Dad, and I love her. 
(Hart enters.) 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
Then it's time to quit talkinjr like a foolish boy and begin 
to use 3^our brains to get her back. Now when T was court- 
ing your mother — 

McGiNNis, Jr. 
( Crossing to door L. ) 
Yes, Dad, I remember — I remember^ — 

(Crosses back to C.) 
What were you saying, Dad? 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
Eh — ah — I mean I've got lots of ideas about women. Old 
men always have. 

(Turns to Hart CO.) 
Haven't they, sir? 

Hart 
(L. of McGiNNis, Sr.) 
(Offended tone.) 
How should I know? 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
(Starts to exit.) 
Oh, you too ! 

(To McGiNNis, Jr.) 
Come, son, come along to my room and we'll talk this all 
over. 

(McGiNNis, Sr., exits L.) 

Hart 
(Ad lib.) 
Where does he get that old man stuff? 

(Hart sits down on chair L. C, reads. Mrs. Smythe 
in evening gown enters at right and slowly crosses to- 
ward Hart. He looks up at her.) 

Hart 
(Rises L. C. Staring at Mrs. Smythe.) 
Well, I '11 be damned ? You ! 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Smiling.) 
Whom were you expecting? 

Hart 
How did you get here? 

106 



Mrs. Smythe 
The trains run quite regularly. 

Hart 
You didn't tell me you were coming to New Orleans. 

{Throws paper on the table, paces to and fro. She 
watches him smiling the age old smile of woman.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Crosses and- stops to R.) 
Didn 't I ? Possibly I was afraid if I told you, you might 
sail for South America from some other port. 

Hart 
(Stops, faces her irritably.) 
I never saw a woman like you ! 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Calmly.) 
Of course you haven't. If you had I would have been 
different. 

(Smiles on him — pauses.) 
You see, my friend, you don't realize my possibilities — 
(Front of table.) 

Hart 
Um ! I 'm beginning to, 

(Pauses, walks, stops again.) 
See here — I don't want to be married. 
Mrs. Smythe 
(Front of table.) 
"Nobody asked you, sir, she said" — 

Hart 
They haven't! What are you doing here? 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Crossing to R., business with fan.) 
Merely showing a prospective purchaser an attractive line 
of goods. 

Hart 
I'm not in the market. 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Laughs, shakes her head.) 
(Together in front of table.) 
You're too old and too hard to appreciate a gift — 

Hart 
(L. C. Irritated.) 
I'm not so damned old ! 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Calmly R. C, half seated on table.) 
You're not so damned young — 

Hart 
How about you? 

107 



Mrs. Smythe 
I'm twenty-eight and my next fifteen years are the years 
of a woman's life — ^you'll be getting the best of me, you 
see — 

Hart 
I'm just fifty- two — 

Mrs. Smythe 
And you've lived too hard to last much beyond sixty- 
seven — 

Hart 
{Sharply — tur^iing to L.) 
I wish you wouldn't talk like that. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Gives you the shivers — why is it the bigger the man the 
more he fears the finish ? 

Hart 
(Returning to her and striking table with hand.) 
That's the worst of success — you build — and you build — 
and — 

Mrs. Smythe 
Then you stop short — you've no one to leave it to — 

Hart 
(Hands in pockets meditatively.) 
It will take fifteen years to properly develop these new 
Hart syndicates properties. 

Mrs. Smythe 
A boy of fourteen will be worth having then — 

Hart 
Yes. 

(Realizing what she means, looks quickly at her, then, 
scandalized, crossing L. and hack to L. C.) 
You're the frankest woman I ever met. 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Crossing to R.) 
I'm just as all women are going to be. 
(Crosses hack to R. of him.) 

(Pauses as he thinks this over. She looks at him 
shrewdly.) 
You know that night at the Lanham's I was acutely con- 
scious that I liad met two men, either of whom would make 
marriage worth while — 

Hart 
(His vanity hurt. L. C.) 
Two? 

Mrs. Smythe 
Yes. You and Sam McGinnis. 

Hart 

]08 



(Startled.) 
You'd marry McGinnis? 

Mrs. Smythe 
Any woman would marry McGinnis. 

Hart 
One wouldn 't. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Nonsense! That was because she's j^oung. I made her 
jealous — then McGinnis rode her with spurs and like any 
thoroughbred filly — she bolted — and I'm honestly sorry, 
because I know she must be eating her heart out now — 

Hart 
{Clasps fist into other palm.) 
Good.! That speech is what I've been waiting for — so 
you' have a heart after all! 

Mrs. Smythe 
Of course ! Every Avoman has— only men doubt that — 

Hart 
You get that girl back for McGinnis and it's a trade— 

Mrs. Smythe 
Pardon my frankness, but that's the damnedest proposal 
I ever had — 

{Fans herself as she turns to R.) 

Hart 
{Grufflij.) 
It's tlie only one you'll get from me — 
Mrs. Smythe 
{Turns to him.) 
But suppose she's married to Arkwright? 

Hart 
If McGinnis is satisfied, we should worry — 

Mrs. Smythe 
Accepted ? 

Hart 
{Looks at her curiously. They are close together.) 
I wonder if we '11 get on ? 

Mrs. Smythe 

{She looks at him.) 

{Matter of fact.) 
Why not? You've knovrn many women and I've been 
married on and off — 

(Hart embraces and kisses her. Looks at her, then 

turns aivay. Crosses to L. C.) 

{She looks at him ivifh tantalizing invitation. He 

looks at her, suddenly takes her in his arms and 

crushes her to him and kisses her — at last releases her. 

She looks at him breathlessly.) 

109 



(McGiNNis enters and exits L. U. E.) 
Did you say you were fifty-two ? 

(L. in front of table facing Hart, who is R. of her. 

Shakes her head.) 
Twenty-five ! 

(McGriNNis enters R. 0. He is in evening clothes of 

faultless cut — looks particularly distinguished.) 
Hart 

{Crosses to McGinnis.) 
Well, Sam, she landed me. 

McGinnis 

{R. of Hart a little above him, — shakes hands with 

him. ) 
Congratulations ! 

{To Mrs. Smythe.) 
You know, he told me you were the only woman he'd ever 
seen worth marrying', and he thought if he could keep you 
guessing long enough he might land you ! 
Mrs. Smythe 

{To Hart.) 
Oh, you did! So that's the way you handle things! 

Hart 

{Crosses to Mrs. Smythe L. C.) 
Wlien you want a thing never let the other fellow know 
you 're anxious to get it. 

(McGinnis gives a perceptible start.) 

McGinnis 
You know it's funny, that's what dad said. 

{Suddenly turns to Mrs. Smythe.) 
Will you help me, Margie ? 

Mrs. Smythe 
I offered to three days ago. What do you want me to do ? 

McGinnis 
{Crossing to R.) 
I don't know — just stand by and follow my lead. 

Mrs. Smythe 
What are you going to do? 

McGinnis 
{At R. entrance.) 
Damned :f I know. 

Hart ar-d Mrs. Smythe 
{In surprise.) 
Eh? 

McGinnis 
I mean I'm going to wait till I see her and then — 
Hart and Mrs. Smythe 
{Eagerly.) 

110 



Then— 

McGlNNIS 

Then I 'm going to leave it up to her and I 'm going to do 
exactly what she doesn 't expect. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Business methods, my boy, business methods. Men use 
them in business to get rich and women use them in love to 
get men and the men never realize their own methods have 
been tlieir undoing. 

(Bell Boy enters R.) 

Bell Boy 
That train from Louisville has arrived and Mr. and Mrs. 
Arkwright have just come. 

(Exits.) 

McGlNNIS 

{Motions them off. Up L. C. looking off R.) 
" Just stick around and follow my lead. 

Hart 
(Starting to leave.) 
I'll be in— 

McGlNNIS 

I know — the bar — 

(Hart exits with Mrh. Smythe R. McGinnis peeps 
out from portieres at arch L. C. as Flo and Billy en- 
ter, he quickly exits. Flo a7id Billy enter R. U. and 
cross down. Flo sinks in chair down R. They are 
followed hy boy.) 

Flo 

You can put these down — I '11 wait here. 

Bell Hop 
Yes, ma'am. 

Flo 

Will you tell the gentleman — 

Bell Hop 
Yes'm, I'll tell your husband, he's registering now 

Flo 
(Coldly.) 
That will be all. You can cheek those grips. 
(Boy exits and grips.) 

Billy 
(Enters hurriedly.) 
Whew! Twenty hours late in a twenty-four-hour trip, 
still that's not bad under government ownership. How 
are you, dearest? 

(Bends to kiss her.) 

(McGlNNIS enters R. U. and starts to take handker- 
chief from his hip pocket. Flo sees him, jumps to her 

111 



feet and screams.) 

Flo 
Sam! Don't! Don't! He didn't know. 

McGlNNIS 

{Looks at them astonished.) 
I've just been waiting for an opportunity to congratulate 
you— 

{Takes a hand of each.) 
I was just reading about vour marriage. 

^ Flo 

{In amazement.) 
About our — marriage? 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, special from Louisville. 

Flo 
{To Billy. ^ 
You telegraphed to Louisville ? 

Billy 
Er — a — a — 

Flo 
You didn't tell me you telegraphed — 

Billy 
N-n-n-o — I didn't. 

What's wrong? 

Nothing — 



McGlNNIS 

Flo 

McGlNNIS 



{Innocently.) 
Aren't you married? 

(Flo looks at Billy, Billy looks at Flo.) 
Flo and Billy 
Why — why — 

Billy 
Yes, of course, we — 

McGlNNIS 

How do you like it? 

{Gulps from both of them.) 
Flo 
How do you like it? 

McGlNNIS 

Whv ask me, I'm not married to him. 

Flo 
{Trying to change the subject.) 
But what are you doing here ? 

McGlNNIS 

Well, you see, when — you ran away with Billy, I got lone- 

112 



some, so I — 

Flo 
You don't mean you — 
(McGiNNis nods.) 

Flo 
{With involuntary fear in her voice.] 
Who — who is she ? 



Can't you guess? 
Not — not — 
Yes. 
Oh! 



McGlNNIS 

Flo 

McGlNNIS 

Flo 



{Cros.<ies R. to sofa, sits. Mrs. Smythe and Hart 
enter door L. McGinnis goes up, takes her by the 
arm and brings her down. Hart looks after them 
astonished. ) 

McGlNNIS 

Dearpst, I was just telling them about us. 

(Mrs. Smythe starts perceptibly. McGinnis gives 
her a little sharp nudge to follow his lead. Hart 
stares annoyed and indignant.) 
Mrs. Smythe 
{Getting it.) 
Oh, yes, you tell her all about us, Sam. 

(Hart gulps, Mrs. Smythe beams up into McGinnis 's 

face as he leads her down R. C.) 

(Flo crosses over front of table to L., R. of Billy. 

McGinnis brings Mrs. Smythe down R. of table and 

with his arm, around her stands R. of her in lover-like 

attitude. Hart is hovering near entrance L. Slightly 

uneasy.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Congratulations, Mrs. Arkwright. 

Flo 
{As if in a daze.) 
Thank you, Mrs. — Mrs.— 

Billy 
Congratulations, Mrs. McGinnis. 

Flo 
{To McGinnis.) 
You didn't waste much time, did you? 

McGinnis 
We're merely following the example of the smart set. 
Mrs. Smythe 

113 



{Now wise.) 

Oh, there's nothing slow about Sam. 

{Hangs on Sam's arm, looking into his eyes. Sud- 
denly.) 

I have an idea — we eloped the same time, we have met 

here — we'll take our honeymoon together. 

Flo 

Y-yes — y-yes — that will be jolly, won't it, Captain Mc- 

Ginnis ? 

McGlNNIS 

Suits me. 

Billy 
But, v.e had our plans already made. 

McGlNNIS 

Oh, we don't care where we are, do we Margie, dear — as 
long as we are together? 

(McGiNNTS kisses Mrs. Smythe. Business for Hart.) 

Billy 
{Stands to kiss Flo.) 
You've got nothing on us. 

Flo 
Please — you know I hate vulgar display of affection. 

Mrs. Smythe 
I think all women show what they feel, don't you? 
{Business for Hart.) 

Flo 
Yes — yes — and Billy and I are very happy, aren't we, 
Billy ? 

Billy 
Of course we are. 

McGlNNIS 

It's wonderful to see four people so happy — 

{Kisses Mrs. Smythe.) 

Hart 

{Comes down, trying to force a laugh.) 
Y-yes, but where do I come in? 

McGlNNIS 

You don't — you go out. 

Hart 
Well, I'll go out and get a coca cola. 
{Exits L.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Oh, where were you married? 

Flo 
{Stands, crosses up R.) 
Didn 't the papers say ? 

McGlNNIS 



(Nudges her.) 
Why, sure, the papers — where are the papers, Margie? 

Mrs. Smythe 
In the room, I think — I'll go get them. 

(To Billy.) 
Come with me. 

(To Flo.) ■ 

If you can spare him. 

(Exit Billy and Mrs. Smythe.) 
Flo 

(L. C.) 
You're a good forgetter, aren't you? 

McGlNNIS 

(B. C.) 
We both are. 

Flo 
Six dpys ago mad about one girl — one girl to whom you 
owed a duty — 

McGlNNIS 

I thought you decided to leave duty in France. 

Flo 
Just six days ago — 

McGlNNIS 

But then I hadn't met Margie. 

Flo 
(Bitter imitation. Sits.) 
No, you hadn't met Margie. 

McGlNNIS 

(Crosses to L. end of table.) 

(Looking after Mrs. Smythe.) 
Oh, I must tell you about Margy. You know, she's the 
most wonderful woman in the world — so beautiful — such 
taste, such knowledge and in her utmost surrender such 
sweet shyness, 

Flo 
Yes, she's famous for her sweet shyness. 

McGlNNIS 

I can never thank you enough for having made it pos- 
sible for me to meet her — I shall always remember you for 
that— 

Flo 
Just for that? Thank you. 

McGlNNIS 

Yes, think but for that I'd be probably now a raving 
lunatic running around with a gun trying to kill Billy or 
you or myself — while instead I want to shake him by the 
hand — 

115 



(Sincerely.) 
And for you I have the kindliest feeling — 

Flo 
Thank you — that's very nice. You know, if there's any- 
thing a woman does appreciate it's for a man to have the 
iindliest feeling for her. 

(She is almost ready to cry for humiliation and rage. 
McGiNNis sits R. of table,) 

McGtnnis 
What do you suppose was the first thing Margie did when 
we found we loved each other ? 

Flo 
(Seated L. of table.) 
I really don't know, what she usually does — 

McGlNNIS 

{Seated R. of table.) 
She asked me all about mv people — 

' Flo 
And I suppose you told her all about your father in 
Racine ? 

McGiNNis 
Yes — my father, the cobbler, and she insisted that I wire 
him at once to come and be with us in our happiness. 

Flo 
He's coming — 

McGlNNIS 

This evening:. Expecting him any moment. 

Flo 
At this hotel ? 

McGlNNIS 

(An idea obviously strikes Flo — she starts to speak, 

suppresses the inclination.) 
Dear old dad, he'll be so proud of her — 

(Margie's voice heard off.) 

Mrs. Smythe 

(Off, sweetly, lovingly.) 
Sam — Sam — dear — 

McGlNNIS 

There, you hear — ''His Master's Voice" — 
(Calls.) 

Coming, dearest — coming ! 

(Seizes Flo by hand, gives it energetic shake.) 

Good-bye — good luck — 

(7s hurrying to door to hall ivhen meets Billy com- 
ing in. Seizes Billy's hand, ivrings it fervidly, wheel- 
ing him around.) 

Congratulations, congratulations, good-bye. 

116 



(Calls.) 

Comirifr, Margie, dear— 

(Exits rapidly. Flo stares after him dumb and heart- 
sick, sits in chair L.) 

Billy 
(Bland — self-satisfied. ) 

I never saw such a woman. Thought I'd never get away — 

how are you now, dearest ? 

{Comes over, starts to take her hand. She jerks it 
away from him.) 

Flo 

Don't touch me! Don't speak to me. 

(Drops on sofa — buries face in hands — sobs.) 

Oh, I'm miserable — utterly miserable. 

(MrGiNNis, Sr., appears at the door L. U. E. and 
realizes he is intruding on private party. Tries to 
back out and being awkivard in social usages does not 
kyiow how to do it gracefully.) 
McGiNNis, Sr. 

Excuse me — excuse me — I — I— I didn't mean to butt in — 

I M^as just looking for — 
(With pride.) 

for Captain Sam McGinnis. 

BlIiLY 

(Shortly.) 

He's not here. 

McGinnis, Sr. 

I see he ain't — excuse me — 
(Strokes hair.) 

(FtjO stands for instant petrified. Staring at Mc- 
Ginnis, then obviously an inspivfltion strikes her.) 

Flo 
You are Captain McGinnis 's father? 
(Crosses R. to McGinnis. Sr.) 

McGinnis, Sr. 
(Delighted — moving toward her in a step.) 
Yes, miss — yes — some folks do say we look alike — 
(Strokes hair.) 

Flo 
I'm glad to meet you. 

(Shakes hands with him eagerly.) 
We are friends of Captain McGinnis — come right in — 
(Billy stands aghast and enraged.) 
McGinnis, Sr. 
Well, that's right friendly of vou — 

Flo 
This is Mr. Arkwright, 

117 



McGlNNIS, Sr. 

{To Billy.) 
Pleased to meet you. 

Billy 
I think, P'^lorence, if Mr. MeGinnis will excuse us — 
{He is obviously planning to get rid of McGinnis.) 

Flo 
{Giving the other twist to it.) 
I want to talk to Mr. McGinnis alone. 

Billy 
Certainly. 

(Exits R. U: 



McGinnis, Sr. 
Billy 



Sure. 

{Exit.) 
Good night. 

McGinnis, Sr. 
{Crosses over to R. to Flo.) 
I didn't quite get vour name, miss — 

, Flo 
{Following him.) 
My name — 

{With sudden smile of one plunging into deep water.) 
I'm Mrs. McGinnis — Sam. 
{At lower side of table.) 

McGinnis, Sr. 
{R. of table.) 

{Stares at her a moment — blinks in surprise.) 
You are Sam's wife? 

Flo 
{Glad she has gotten over it and a bit breathless after 
the plunge.) 
Yes! 

McGinnis, Sr. 
{Hurt.) 
Sam should have told me he was married — 

Flo 
"We've not told anybody yet — you are the first to know it — 
McGinnis, Sr. 
{Instantly beams. Sits in chair R.) 
Honest ? 

Flo 
Honest. 

{They look at each other .smiling. Suddenly on im- 
pulse she bends forward and kisses him. He is ob- 
viously greatly embarrassed.) 

118 



McGtnnis, Sr. 
Shucks ! You — kinder — kinder — 

{Moves his shoulders in embarrassed fashion. Beams.) 
I'm awful g'lad Sam's married — er — a — 

Flo 
(L. of McGiNNis. ) 
Florence. 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
(Half shyly.) 
Florence — that's a pretty name. My wife's name was 
Katherine. 

Flo 
' ' Katherine " is a beautiful name — 

{Pauses — determined to show she is a loyal daughter.) 
Don 't you want to chew ? 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
Chew what? 

Flo 
Tobacco. 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
{Pause.) 
I don 't chew — but if you want to, go right ahead — 

Flo 
Why, Sam tpld me — 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
Don't you know that boy well enough to know he's a born 
joker? Half the time he's making fun of folks — he can't 
help it. 

Flo 
Sam has a wonderful sense of humor, hasn't he? 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
That's the way I like to hear a wife talk. Nothin' new 
fangled — just plain man and woman — them as God has 
joined together — 

Flo 
{Softly.) 
Yes, yes — 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
I have been worried about Sam for some time — his letters 
ain't been so happy. 

{Shrewdly.) 
Guess that was while you was courtin' and maybe you was 
treatin' him mean? 

Flo 
Yes. 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
{Confidentially.) 

119 



That's good for him — makes him appreciate you — 
(Pause.) 

Flo 
(Half v)hispers.) 
You know, you aren't what I expected. Oh, why, you, you 
are just an old dear. 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
{He takes her hand and pats it.) 
I'm mighty glad Sam's married a girl that's not ashamed 
of his plain, old father. 

Flo 
Ashamed of you ? Whatever could make you think Sam 's 
wife would be ashamed of you ? 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
I 've been mighty worried about the girl Sam would marry ; 
you know Sam is what you call a "snob" — 

Flo 

{Amazed.) 
Sam a snob ? 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
Yes, all folks that gets ahead in this world are snobs — 
that's what puts them ahead — they're snobs about posi- 
tions, snobs about money, snobs about society, snobs about 
what they can do, ability and religion. Why, religion's 
just full of 'em — some of the durndest snobs I ever knew 
was church snobs — absolutely certain they're the only peo- 
ple in the world got a speaking acquaintance with God. 

Flo 
But at least you aren't a snob — 

McGiNNis, Sr. 
But I am — I'm the durndest ever about making shoes. 

Flo 
And Sam? 

McGtnnts, Sr. 

( Chuckles. ) 
Sam's a snob about his ability — and that's the best kind 
of a snob, because those ability snobs have to live up to 
what they think they are and the better they get the bet- 
ter they think they are, so they just keep on goin' and 
goin' till the rest of us ain't got a chance — Rockefeller, 
Schwab and Wilson — they're ability snobs — and then 
Sam's a terrible snob about coming from the common peo- 
ple. You know that boy wouldn't take a million dollars 
for being able to say "My father's a shoemaker." 

{Grins.) 
When he's going strong, he calls it "Cobbler." Of course, 
I was a cobbler, but it's a factory now. I'm thinkin' Sam 

120 



never mentioned that ? 

Flo 
(A light hreaJcing.) 
No, lie never did. 

McGiNNis, Sr. 

(Smiles with appreciation of Sam's weakness.) 

{With tenderness.) 
. Maybe, daugliter, you're wondering and thinking I oughtn't 
to be sa^nng all this, but I have my reasons— 

{Taking her hand.) 
My boy Sam is the world to me— he's all I have— all I 
live for, all I have lived for since his mother left him to 
me, and I couldn't tell him what I've told you for any- 
thing- but you are his wife, you love him, and remember 
that i± a man and woman are to be happy together, they 
don t have to worry about each other's strength, but they 
must understand and handle each other's weaknesses— 
that's why I've tipped you off to Sam's. 

Flo 
Thanks — I understand — 

{Pauses. ) 
Now, what am I a snob about ? 

McGiNNis, Sr. 

i"f . ^°^ ^^^ ^^^^^ ^° ^^ ^ ^^^^^ ^^^o^it making your old 
daddy-m-law love you and you're doing it. 

{Pauses.) 

{He winks.) 
Therest I'll tell to Sam. 

Flo 

{With eagerness.) 

Whatever you tell him, will you tell him to-night— tell 
that — 

(Mrs. Smythe appears, cutting off Flo hefore she can 
finish. ) 

Mrs. Smythe 
{Cheerfully. Entering and coming down C ) 
Just looking for Captain McGinnis— have you seen him 
dear? ' 

Flo 
NO! 

{Rises. Crosses to R.) 

McGinnis, Sr. 
When you do see Captain McGinnis, ma'am, would you 
tell him to come here, he's expecting me. 

Mrs. Smythe 
I have a suspicion that he is in the bar. 
McGinnis, Sr. 

121 



Thank you, ma'am. If he's there already it will save us 
both a walk — 

{Pauses at the door.) 

{Exits R.) . • • . . 

(Mrs. Smythe has entered bright and smiling. Flo 

is smiling, too, facing her, hut hers is the smile of 

battle. A pause that becomes awkvmrd.) 

Flo 
( With deter minatio7i. ) 
Margie — I want to talk to you about Sam — 
Mrs. Smythe 
{Sits R. of T.C.) 
{Beams.) 
That's awfully nice of you, dear— you know there's no 
subject in the world I'm so full of. Isn't he wonderful? 

{Does not pause for reply.) 
Just the minute I saw him I said to myself, "There's the 
man to make any woman happy." 

Flo 
{Gidping.) 
Yes— 

Mrs. Smythe 
You know riprht after dinner that night Mr. Hart offered 
him twenty thousand a year to work for him and Sam, 
for some foolish reason, refused. 

Flo 
{Realizing why McGinnis refused and the enormity 
of her own loss.) 
Captain — Sam refused that night — what — when? What 
time that night ? 

Mrs. Smythe 
Immediately after dinner. 

Flo 
Oh, what a fool — I — 

Mrs. Smythe 
{Seated. R. of table.) 
Oh, not such a fool — he's sailing to-morrow for South 
America to make a preliminary investigation of the Hart 
properties at $25,000 a year. 

Flo 
{Seated L. of table.) 
Sailing to-morrow! 

(Margie nods, with determination rising.) 
I 'm going with him. 

Mrs. Smythe 
{Rises.) 
YOU? Oh, no, I'm going with him — 

122 



Flo 
(Rises.) 
Marg'ie, Sam McGinnis belonjrs to rae ! 
Mrs. Smythe 
{Laughs.) 
My dear, you can't have them all, you know — 

Flo 
(Facing Mrs. Smythe — Florence L., Mrs. Smythe 
R., in front of tahh.) 
Perhaps you won't feel that way when I tell you I'm his 
wife. 

(She expects an onthurst from Mrs. Smythe, hut she 
is calm.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
Yes, and you let him get away from you? 

(Wiih pitying contempt.) 
You poor little fool. 

(Crosses, fanning herself, to R.) 

Flo 
(Standing L. C.) 
I may have been a fool but I'm still his wife — 
Mrs. Smythe 
(R. C.) 
1 suppose I'm the "other woman." All right, I'll be the 
"other woman." She generally has a better time any- 
how. Fortunately the divorce will be easy to get — 

Flo 
You mean he'd divorce me? 

Mrs. Smythe 
Well, my dear, when a married woman goes away with 
another man, people don't generally believe they're just 
playing checkers. 

Flo 
Margie, I've been a fool — I admit it — a poor fool — but I've 
waked up — I love him — I don't feel that I can go on with- 
out him — won't you — 

Mrs. Smythe 
(Smiling.) 
Do you think he'd take you back? 

Flo 
(Dumb with horror.) 
Take me? You mean he wouldn't take me? 
Mrs. Smythe 
(Standing R. of Flo, front of table.) 
Why, child, you had him — you had his love and your hap- 
piness right in your hands — and what did you do? Just 
because you didn't like the cut of his clothes, or the way 

123 



the barber had brushed his hair or some other fool thing 
that had nothing in the world to do with the man him- 
self, you decided to break your word, kick over a contract 
and ruin a man's life — 

Flo 
T didn 't — I only wanted to — 

Mrs. Smythe 
To humiliate him and furnish yourself an excuse for 
kicking out. That's the trouble with about half of you 
wives. You think that marriage is a one-sided arrange- 
ment for your protection, care and amusement instead of 
being a job like any other job that a woman and man have 
to work at to make good. 

Flo 
But— 

Mrs. Smythe 
You had your chance — you failed and now the job is mine. 

Flo 
( Crosses to R. ) 
You refuse to give him up ? 

Mrs. Smythe 
I do. 

Flo 
Then, I'll take him away from you — 
Mrs. Smythe 
(Laughs.) 
You! 

Flo 
Yes — because I'm his Avife and you can't take a man away 
from his wife if she wants him and is willing to fight for 
him, and I'll fight — 

(Goes up to left of table and returns.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
But I did take him — 

Flo 
You — why, you took nothing ! I was just a little fool and 
let him go, but now I know I love him. He did love me 
and I'm going to make him love me all over again — you'll 
see, you '11 see ! 

(Exits L. U. E.) 
(McGiNNis, Jr., enters Ti.) 

McGlNNIS 

Well ? 

Mrs. Smythe 

(L. of table a little ahove it.) 
She 's going to do this to you — 

(Makes gesture with her finger ''Come to me.") 

124 



McGiiVNis 
{R. of table.) 
Ah! 

{His ichole being lights up with joy and love.) 

Mrs. Smythe 
{Dryly.) 
And if you do just that, as you're doing now, you'll have 
her — for a while — 

McGlNNIS 

I don't want her for a while — T want her for always. 

Mrs. Smythe 
Then do this — 

{Indicates vigorously gesture of repulsion — pushing 

some one au'ay.) 

McGlNNIS 

And drive her away from me forever? 

Mrs. Smythe 
Forever? Oh, no, she's a woman. 

McGlNNIS 

But— 

Mrs. Smythe 

{Front of table, L. end of it.) 

{ Quotes. ) 
^'A woman, a hound and a walnut tree, the more you beat 
"em the better they be." 

{He hesitates.) 

McGlNNIS 

{Front of table, R. end of it.) 

{Irritably.) 
Don't believe in old sayings. 

Mrs. Smythe 
All right ! Yet in business — do you cheapen the article 
when tlie customer is interested? 

McGlNNIS 

I didn't want to cheapen — but — 

Mrs. Smythe 

( Disgusted. ) 
Why is it, about everything but a woman, a man can use 
common sense? Now listen — she's bored with her pretty 
Billy — desperately bored— she's in the middle of an awk- 
ward situation and neither he nor she has the poise or 
humor to handle it — and on top of that you come along, 
and I've shown her your value and she sees what she's 
lost, and she's determined to beat me and get you back at 
the crook of her finger. She's sure of it, because she told 
me so. 

{Crosses to L.) 

125 



MoGlNNIS 

{For the first time warming up and the light of battle 

coming into his eyes.) 
She told you that ? I '11 come at the first crook of her finger, 
eh? 

(Moves to R.) 

Mrs. Smythe 

(Pressing her advantage.) 
Yes — will you ? 

McGlNNIS 

(R. C, facing her.) 
I'll see her in — 

(Points down.) 

Mrs. Smythe 

(L. C, facing him.) 
Then, tell her just that — 

(Points down.) 

(Pressing her advantage.) 
You've gambled for your life — can't you gamble for your 
happiness — she'll be a wonderful wife if j'-ou get her on 
your terms — but you're a fool to take her on her own, be- 
cause she'll find out she was tricked and never forgive it. 
And the end will be the same — Billy, or some other Billy. 
You started right — but — 

McGlNNIS 

And I'd always dreamed marriage was a partnership, 

Mrs. Smythe 
Yes, it is — with a good senior partner. 

McGlNNIS 

I'll— 

(PYo enters, L. U.) 

Flo 
Sorry to interrupt, but I dropped my handkerchief. 

Mrs. Smythe 
I was just going — 

(Crosses helow tahle to R.) 

McGlNNIS 

(L. of Mrs. Smythe. Politely.) 
Shall I ? 

Mrs. Smythe 
No, indeed, dear boy — I've many things to attend to. 

(Pause at door R., to Flo.) 
I hope, dear, you'll find — your handkerchief. 

(She exits R.) 

Flo 

(L. C, facing McGinnis R.) 
Sam, why did you let me do it? 

126 



McGlNNIS 

(R. of her below table.) 
Do what? 

Flo 
Run away with Billy? 

McGlNNIS 

(Moving a step toivnrd her.) 
You came of your own free will, didn't you? 

Flo 
But you were ray husband — it was your duty to stop me — 

McGlNNIS 

How could I stop you when I didn't know anything about 
it? 

(X. L.) 

Flo 
I wanted to show you that I had the courage to do as I 
liked — to follow my impulses- — 

McGlNNIS 

(Sits R. of her.) 
Well, you did it — aren't vou happy? 

Flo 
Sam, I've made a terrible mistake — well — I want you to 
come back to me— she shan 't have you — I 'm your wife and 
I won't give you up. 

McGlNNIS 

How can you give up what you haven 't got ? 

Flo 

(R. of C. chair.) 
Don't, Sam — 

(Sam's business with hand.) 
don't say that— don't do that — it's not Margie, you don't 
understand — I — 

McGlNNIS 

(R. of her.) 
But I do understand. I understand better than you 
think. Don't I know what's in the back of your mind? 
You'll admit I'm your husband — come to me for a little 
while — 

Flo 
No — no — Sam — ahvays. 

McGlNNIS 

Nonsense — you've not changed — I've not changed — I'm 
the same roughneck you knew in France, the same servant 
who took orders in your house. If I couldn't hold you 
then, I can't hold you now — and I don't propose to be 
picked up and thrown down at any Avoman's whim. 

Flo 

127 



I'll come back as your wife — Sam — don't you understand? 
As your wife. 

McGiNxis 

{With hitter sarcasm.) 
Yes, as my wife — to save your face — then divorce me le- 
gally and marry Billy — no — I'm through — as far as I'm 
concerned, you can go to the devil — 

Flo 

(As he stalks out R.) 
All right, then I'll go to the devil- - 

(He exits.) 

(To herself.) 
But you '11 be the devil I '11 go to — 

{Curtain falls sharply to mark end of Scene I.) 

Curtain 



ACT III 

Scene II — Captain McGinnis's room in the Grunewald. 
A typical hotel room in first-class hotel. On left, two 
windows with curtains drawn, between the windows a 
bureau with mirror, center of rear wall a double bed with 
head against ivall, foot extending toward foot-lights. 
Entrance door from hall. Rear at right. On right two 
doors. Upper door. Center lower door — bathroom. A 
table below foot of bed. Beside bed small table with 
reading light. Besides this light there are bracket can- 
dles on either side of bureau and over bed, turned on 
giving the room a tvarm, soft glow. A screen between 
the bed and windoiv above the bureau. 

Time — Fifteen minutes after events of Scene I. 

Discovered — At the rise, the stage is empty. The first 
thing to catch the eye must be a large suitcase placed 
on the table so that the audience can clearly read on 
the end of it: "Captain McGinnis, TJ. S. A." 

Pitched carelessly on the table beside it are McGinnis's 
top coat and hat, a suit of street clothes, soiled shirt, a 
collar and tie. 

After a distinct pause there is a low, timid rap at the 
door. This rapping is repeated twice. . . . Then the 
knob turns, the door is opened from> ivithout sloivly and 
Fi.o peeps in. She looks about — then pushes the door 
wide open. Walks in. Looks about the room. Shakes 
her head in disapproval. Opens the closet door. Hcungs 
up her dressing gown. Goes to 'phone. 

Flo 

128 



{Into 'phone.) 

Will you send a lady's maid, please? Captain McGinnis's 

room, No. 369. Mrs. McGinnis speaking. 

{Hangs up 'phone. Gives a little excited cough to her- 
self. Shakes her head at appearance of room. Begins 
straightening up. Hangs McGinnis's coat and hat 
and suit in closet. Puts dirty shirt and collar in bu- 
reau drawer. A knock, at door.) 
Flo 

Come in ! 
{L.) 
(Maid appears.) 

Maid 

Yes, madam — 

Flo 
{Crossing to dressing table, R.) 

Will you please lock the door on the outside and leave the 

key in the office. 

Maid 

Lock the door on the outside? 

Flo 

Yes, so my husband won't disturb me. 

Maid 

Oh, yes, madame, I understand, 
{As Flo tips her.) 

Thank you, madame. 
{Goes to door.) 

I hope you all sleep well. Good-night ! 

(Maid exits.) ^ 

Flo 
{To Maid as she exits.) 

Good-night ! 

(Flo seats herself in chair before the mirror. Pro- 
ceeds to take down her hair. She brushes her hair, 
turns out lights, and gets into bed.) 
(McGinnis enters, turns on lights, and stands looking 
at Flo's picture on bureau while taking his tie off. 
Flo climbs out of bed and gets key from lock a7id 
puts it under her pillow. ) 

McGinnis 
{Turns, sees her. Crosses to bedside.) 
I told you to go to the devil, 

Flo 
Well, here I am. And you can't put me out. Please put 
out these lights, Sam, they hurt my eyes. 

(McGinnis siuitches off lights — she turns on bed lamp.) 
Oh, Sam, I've come back to you — won't you forgive me? 

129 




I love you, Sam. I love you. I've lost all my snobbish- 
ness — I'm cured — Sam — I'm cured. 

McGiNNis 
And who cured you? 

Flo 
Can't you guess? The best cobbler in Racine. 
{They embrace.) 

McGlNNIS 

God bless you ! 

Curtain 



130 



LB 20 



